Message from the Queen – Revoking American Independence

My email inbox contains much garbage and a few gems from that prolific author – Unknown. I thought the following was egg-sellently written, but maybe you have to be a member of the Commonwealth to think so.

Simply Eggcellent“To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler – although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, rugby (dominated by the Kiwis), and rugby league (dominated by the Aussies). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby league (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. You will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!”

Post 407

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30 comments

  1. A post so clever it made this native Kansan smile, chuckle, maybe even guffaw once or twice. (By the way, the first round-about I ever experienced was in my Kansas hometown, where it is considered a fun novelty. Not sure what that says about Kansan’s humor… As to my home state’s exclusion, I think I can predict that the humble yet independent folks in Kansas will barely notice the absence of national government, U.S. or otherwise, while continuing on with their daily lives.
    (Thanks for sharing a fun read!)

    Like

    • Yes, that is how we grew up here in Canada, though I was here before the metric system. I lived in the UK for two years, and that makes this even funnier.

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  2. This had me laughing throughout, especially the part about getting rid of our government. They are worthless anyway. I worry about the huge increase in our taxes, though. And I must clarify that baseball is played beyond the American borders. My Canadian-born Grandfather was playing baseball when he was homesteading in Alberta in the pre-World War I era. We’ve got wonderful photos of the baseball team.

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    • Yes, we do play baseball here in Canada and have one team that plays in the MLB – the Toronto Blue Jays. They won the World Series in 1992 and 1993.

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    • Good, good – you are starting to get the spelling right!
      I’ve never met Her Majesty either. I stood outside the fence of her castle a few times, but she never invited me in.

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  3. Still laughing, fantastic post 🙂

    I’ve met the Queen, not once but twice.The first time when I was 11 years old and chosen to present her with a bouquet of flowers as she and Prince Philip got off the plane. The second time when working at GM Place in Vancouver – she tossed out a hockey puck to start a Canucks game. I have a wreath of dried flowers from the bathroom in her private suite. My point – you forgot one very important rule – we will all learn how to perform a proper curtsey.This link is one I wrote a while ago titled “Monarchy Makes the Difference” (and yes, that photo is of me)

    http://notestoponder.wordpress.com/2013/04/11/monarchy-makes-the-difference/

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    • When we lived in the UK, we mastered single roundabouts. Then, one day we discovered a double roundabout. Trickier. The most difficult one was the Magic Roundabout in Swindon – five mini roundabouts in all! Apparently it has an excellent safety record, since traffic moves too slowly to do serious damage in the event of a collision. If that doesn’t make you laugh, nothing will!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m terribly confused by the dates here, since this reads like something written just after our recent election (Nov. 8, 2016). Nevertheless I found myself chuckling though the whole thing. Very clever. And thank you for provoking those much-needed laughs. They’ll been in very short supply recently.

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    • I think this has been circulating for a number of years (I first posted this in 2013), but I saw an updated version of it yesterday to address the results of your recent election. I expect the same update would have circulated if Clinton had won. From the outside looking in, you seemed to be stuck on a Bush-Clinton dynasty. We accept that in a monarchy, but not in our elected bodies…

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