Farming Quotations

Cows

The Quippery

If happiness truly consisted in physical ease and freedom from care, then the happiest individual would not be either a man or a woman; it would be, I think, an American cow.
– William Lyon Phelps –

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
– Will Rogers –

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.”
– Ogden Nash, Free Wheeling –

The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
– John McNulty –

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticed this and asked the bull, “Why didn’t you fall down like the rest of the herd.” The bull replied, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
– Author Unknown –

To err is human; To moo is bovine.
– Author Unknown –

Tongue — a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of a dead cow.
– Bob Ekstrom –

Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said, “I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?
– Bill Watterson –

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
-Author Unknown –

Horses

An old friend once told me that if you were given a barn full of manure to shovel out, it was a tremendous idea to keep in mind that a pony had to be in there somewhere.
– Peter Jensen –

Don’t give your sons money. Give them horses. Many a good son has been ruined through the acquisition of money but no good son has been ruined through the acquisition of horses. Unless they fell and broke their neck, which when taken at the gallop is a very good death to die.
– Winston Churchill –

For the most part, I’d say if you crossed a cat with a smart dog, made him a matriarchal vegetarian, gave him sleek beauty, a mass of muscle, and the desire to run, then what you’d have is a horse.
– Tom Spanbauer –

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
– W.C. Fields –

If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.
– Author Unknown –

Ride the horse in the direction it’s going.
– Werner Erhard –

The horse knows. If you know, he knows. He also knows if you don’t know.
– Ray Hunt –

There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse’s hooves: If one of the horse’s hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there’s probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you’re looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse.
– Terry Pratchett –

What did the mamma horse say to the baby horse?
It’s pasture bed time.
– Author Unknown –

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him participate in synchronized diving.
– Cuthbert Soup –

Farming

Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from the corn field.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower –

John Deere, I’m leaving you. In Case you don’t know why, it’s because my cousin Oliver told me you were messing around with Allis-Chalmers. I can’t believe I thought you were on the Farmall those times.
– Author Unknown –

It was always my belief that farmers developed strange theories of cause and effect because they spent too much time alone. A combination of incomplete information and a lack of critical review led to some odd conclusions. In the early days of farming, a reinforcing factor in all this was that horses seemed willing to accept almost any theory if it was accompanied by oats. It was a closed circle.
– Leonard G. Lee, Lee Valley Tools –

There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm. One is the danger of supposing that breakfast comes from the grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace.
– Aldo Leopold, A Sand County Almanac –

We Prairie folks figure crop circles are a sign that 1. there are other intelligent beings in the universe and 2. they’re farmers.
– Mike O’Brien –

You can make a small fortune in farming-provided you start with a large one.
– Author Unknown –

Pigs

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
– George Bernard Shaw –

I never met a pig I didn’t like. All pigs are intelligent, emotional, and sensitive souls. They all love company. They all crave contact and comfort. Pigs have a delightful sense of mischief; most of them seem to enjoy a good joke and appreciate music. And that is something you would certainly never suspect from your relationship with a pork chop.
– Sy Montgomery –

It’s no good running a pig farm badly for thirty years while saying, “Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer.” By that time, pigs will be your style.
– Quentin Crisp –

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
– Alfred Hitchcock –

Poultry

Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.
– Aesop Fables, The Milkmaid and her Pail –

Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
– William Jennings Bryan –

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
– Author Unknown –

The cocks may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the egg.
– Margaret Thatcher –

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
– Mark Twain –

The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.
– Martina Navratilova –

You can be a rooster one day and a feather duster the next.
– Frank McManus –

Sheep

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.
– Author Unknown –

Taxation: how the sheep are shorn.
– Edward Abbey –

The herd instinct among forecasters makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
– Edgar Fiedler –

Where does virgin wool come from? The sheep that runs the fastest.
– Harry F. Banks –

Weather and Seasons Quotations

The Quippery

A country church – the only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash.
– Author Unknown –

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
– Carl Reiner –

American: We get an awful lot of cold waves from Canada. Can’t we weatherstrip the border?
– Author Unknown –

Antisthenes says that in a certain faraway land the cold is so intense that words freeze as soon as they are uttered, and after some time then thaw and become audible, so that words spoken in winter go unheard until the next summer.
– Plutarch, Moralia –

A thin grey fog hung over the city, and the streets were very cold; for summer was in England.
– Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed –

Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.
– Doug Larson –

Autumn — wheezy, sneezy, freezy.
Winter — slippy, drippy, nippy.
Spring — showery, flowery, bowery.
Summer — hoppy, croppy, poppy.
– John Brady, Clavis Calendaria –

Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
– Tom Lehrer –

Boy I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already.
– Bill Watterson –

Bus stop, wet day, she’s there, I say, Please share my umbrella.
– The Hollies –

Canadian Seasons have been described as: Six months of winter, and six months of poor sledding. These can be broken down into: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction season. To be more specific, the four seasons are: June, July, August and Winter.
– Author Unknown –

Don’t knock the weather; nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.
– Ken Hubbard –

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
– Don Marquis –

Frosty days and ice-still nights,
Fir trees trimmed with tiny lights,
– Jo Geis, Christmas Long Ago –

I believe that in India “cold weather” is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
– Mark Twain –

I doubt if I can explain the psychic lift of that first distant honk in the spring, when the passage of the geese seems roughly akin to the arrival of the cavalry just as the Indians are foreclosing on the wagon train.
– John Jerome –

If I were running the world I would have it rain only between 2 and 5 A.M. Anyone who was out then ought to get wet.
– William Lyon Phelps –

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
– Author Unknown –

It’s my least favorite season of the year, bathing-suit season. I don’t know why we can’t all be shaped like those eighteen-year-old boys they design those suits for.
– Diane Ford –

It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.
– P.D. James, A Taste for Death –

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
– Charles Dickens –

If summer weekends are for rest and relaxation, how come they invented all that lawn-care equipment?
– Author Unknown –

If the Weather Stone is wet – it is raining.
If the Weather Stone has a shadow – it is sunny.
If the Weather Stone is moving – it is windy.
If the Weather Stone has white stuff on top – it is snowing.
If the Weather Stone is hard to see – it is foggy.
If the Weather Stone is gone – it was either a tornado or a flood.
– Author Unknown –

I wield the flail of the lashing hail,
And whiten the green plains under,
And then again I dissolve it in rain,
And laugh as I pass in thunder.
– Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Cloud –

Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
– Susan Ertz –

New snow lays down a clean sheet of paper, and the wildlife – the above-snow creatures, anyway – write on it.
– John Jerome –

Oh, it’s forty below in the winter
And it’s twenty below in the fall
And it rises to zero in springtime
And we don’t get no summer at all.
– Author Unknown –

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we’ve no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
– Lyricist Sammy Cahn, composer Jule Styne – 1945 –

Partly cloudy forecast – Half-a-nice day.
Lawn sprinkler – A dew it yourself system.
– Norm Dvoskin –

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together.
– Author Unknown –

so much depends upon
a red wheel barrow
glazed with rain water
beside the white chickens.
– William Carlos Williams –

Storms come, and are so personal, they seem to know your address and have the key to your house.
– Reverend Jesse Jackson –

Summers always fly – winters walk.
– Charles M. Schulz –

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is exhilarating; there is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.
– Ruskin –

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?
– J.B. Priestley –

The glory of springtime is the same to all. But there are many different points of view. A child sees it best from the middle of a mud puddle.
– Pearl Swiggum –

The leaves fall, the wind blows, and the farm country slowly changes from the summer cottons into its winter wools.
– Henry Beston –

The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
– Dave Barry –

The principal function of March is to use up the winter weather that wouldn’t fit into February.
– Doug Larson –

The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.
– Willie Tyler –

The latest authority among men of science says that little is known of the causes which balance the clouds in the air. They are formed of water, and water, however minutely divided or blown into bubbles, is always heavier than the air. And yet these flying fountains of all the rivers of earth, these armed and thundering legions of the storm, that beat down the forests with hail and bury the mountains in snow, and flood the plains with water, go floating over us at vast heights with all their mighty magazines when all our philosophy would require them to sink to the earth.
– Daniel March, “The Balancings of the Clouds,” Our Father’s House, or the Unwritten Word, 1869 –

The size of the flakes made them fall slowly, softly, no damage done, the world getting its moisture via a pile of feathers.
– John Jerome –

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
– Patrick Young –

There are seasons in life. Don’t ever let anyone try to deny you the joy of one season because they believe you should stay in another season… Listen to yourself. Trust your instincts. Keep your perspective.
– Jane Clayson –

There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds.
– G.K. Chesterton –

There are two seasonal diversions that can ease the bite of any winter. One is the January thaw. The other is the seed catalogues.
– Hal Borland –

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
– George Carlin –

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
– Texas Bix Bender –

Until I came to Canada I never knew ‘snow’ was a four letter word.
-Alberto Manguel-

When Paul Bunyan’s loggers roofed an Oregon bunkhouse with shakes, fog was so thick that they shingled forty feet into space before discovering they had passed the last rafter.
– Oregon: End of the Trail, “Tall Tales and Legends” –

Winter is that discouraging time of the year when the house uses more fuel than the car.
– Doug Larson –

Winter brings with it an array of recreational opportunities, such as cross country skiing, skating, or, my favourite, video rental.
– Mike O’Brien (Calling the Prairies Home) –

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
– Author Unknown –

Who, in the rainbow, can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity.
– Herman Melville –

Money, Shopping and Spending Quotations

Advertising is what makes you think you longed all your life for something you’ve never heard of before.
– Author Unknown —

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can buy happiness.
– Author Unknown –

As a businessman, he seems to have dedicated his life to the proposition that where selling to the public is concerned no idea is too stupid. (Referring to Bernard MacFadden)
– Bill Bryson –

At 20 I wanted to save the world. Now I’d be satisfied just to save part of my salary.
– H.G. Hutchison –

At a dinner party: I came from a well-to-do family. My mother was always saying, “Well, to do that, you’ll need more money.”
– Cathryn Baker Hopkins –

At the ATM they ask if you’d like to conduct your business in English or Spanish. I suggest you try Spanish, because your account balance will look much better in pesos.
– Tere Joyce –

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money.
– Robin Williams –

Dividends: A certain percent, per annum, perhaps.
– Evan Esar –

Don’t knock the rich. When did a poor person give you a job?
– Laurence J. Peter –

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
– Joseph E. Cossman –

Economic advance is not the same thing as human progress.
-John Clapham, A Concise Economic History of Britain, 1957 –

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
– Don Marquis –

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
– Robert Orben –

Every time we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
– Herbert Hoover –

Forget about being world famous, it’s hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence.
– Doug Coupland –

He had decided that if he ever returned to his old job he would create a special level of hell, an enormous inescapable shop of attractive but useless and overpriced items that the damned would wander for eternity in the cold delusion that this was what they wanted. And then Nerys had taken him to IKEA and Clovenhoof realised the humans had once again beaten him to it.
– Heide Goody, Clovenhoof –

He should have been born a prince with lots of money instead of a pauper with a charge card.
– Author Unknown –

I didn’t want to be rich, I just wanted enough to get the couch reupholstered.
– Kate Mostel –

I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyliss Diller –

Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive.
– William F. Buckley –

If it was easy to be wealthy, then more people would be.
– Author Unknown –

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
– Author Unknown –

If you want to see a shorter winter, borrow money that’s due in the spring.
– Author Unknown –

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
– Author Unknown –

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
– Author Unknown –

If men liked shopping, they’d call it research.
-Cynthia Nelms –

If you’re going antique hunting, prepare yourself for some odd smells.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

I hate to shop. I consider it one of life’s necessary evils, like brussels sprouts and high-heeled shoes.
– Laurell K. Hamilton, Guilty Pleasures

I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
– Ilie Nastase –

Investing should be more like watching paint dry or watching grass grow. If you want excitement, take $800 and go to Las Vegas.
– Paul Samuelson –

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
– Rita Rudner –

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to 10. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
– M. Grundler –

It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping.
– John Sinor –

It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires.
– Anton Strout, Dead Waters –

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
– Author Unknown –

I was not prepared for the incredible variety of products available in American grocery stores. While on my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk – you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice – you just add water, and you get orange juice and then I saw baby powder – I thought to myself, what a country!
– Yakov Smirnoff –

I’ve always believed the adage, “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it,” but I never expected it to apply to postage stamps.
– Author Unknown –

I’ve got all the money I need, if I die by 4 o’clock.
– Henny Youngman –

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
– Steven Wright –

Living on a budget is the same as living beyond your means except you have a record of it.
– Author Unknown –

…most guys have about 73 calories of shopping energy, and once these calories are gone, they’re gone for the day – if not the week – and can’t be regenerated simply by having an Orange Julius at the Food Fair.
– Douglas Coupland, Microserfs –

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
– Erma Bombeck –

My motto is ‘Veni, Vidi, Visa’ – We came, we saw, we went shopping.
– Sally Poplin –

Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
– Robert Frost –

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
– H.L. Mencken –

Online shopping: because it’s frowned upon to be in a store with no bra, sweatpants and a glass of wine.
– Author Unknown –

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
– Author Unknown –

One reason a dollar won’t do as much as it once did is because people won’t do as much for a dollar as they once did.
– Author Unknown –

Overheard at Costco, as a boy pushed an over-flowing cart behind his mom: “Mom, we only brought the Jetta, you know!”
– Author Unknown –

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
– Joan Rivers –

Stores hire extra help for the holidays. This way, customers who don’t know what they want are helped by people who don’t know where it is!
– Author Unknown –

The grocery store is the great equalizer where mankind comes to grips with the facts of life like toilet tissue.
– Joseph Goldberg –

The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences – whoever has the gold makes the rules.
– Author Unknown –

The way to stop the financial joy riding is to arrest the chauffeur, not the automobile.
– Woodrow Wilson –

They call it take home pay because there is no other place you can afford to go with it.
– Author Unknown-

They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?
– Princess Diana –

This planet has — or rather had — a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn’t the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
– Douglas Adams –

This violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people.
– P.J. O’Rourke –

… there was a time in my life, decades ago, when I was so full of energy that I was going to not only END WORLD HUNGER but also STOP WAR and ELIMINATE RACISM. Whereas today my life goals, to judge from the notes I leave myself, tend to be along the lines of BUY DETERGENT.
– Dave Barry –

They came, they saw, they did a little shopping.
– Anonymous graffiti on the Berlin wall after travel restrictions were lifted and thousands of East Berliners flooded into West Berlin, Newsweek, December 4, 1989 –

Too caustic? To hell with the cost – we’ll make the movie anyway.
– Samuel Goldwyn –

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
– Will Rogers –

Wal-mart… do they like, make walls there?
– Paris Hilton –

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
– Jose Batista, Burn, Baby, Burn! –

What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of living high.
– Doug Larson –

When I am an Old Man… I’ll start saying things like “It used to be that when you paid more than $5000 for something, it came with a basement!”
– Tony Dierckens, Tim Nyberg –

The Quippery

When I first started working, I used to dream of the day when I might be earning the salary I’m starving on now.
– Author Unknown –

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
– Gittel Hudnick –

Why waste your money looking up your family tree, just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Mark Twain –

You don’t always get what you pay for, but you never get what you don’t pay for.
– Author Unknown –

You know you’ve spent too much money on your vacation when the balance in your bank account is lower than the number on your sunscreen.
– Author Unknown –

Babies and Children Quotations

The Quippery

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
– Author Unknown –

A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.
– Author Unknown –

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
– Erma Bombeck –

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good cat.
– Author Unknown –

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
– Erma Bombeck –

Although there are many trial marriages, there is no such thing as a trial child.
– G. Willis –

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
– Flannery O’Connor –

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed.
– Robert Gallagher –

A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.
– Author Unknown –

As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter.
-Andrew K. Keller –

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
– Fran Lebowitz –

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
– Bill Vaughn –

Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories.
– John Wilmot –

Birdies with broken wings hide from each other.
Children in trouble run home to mother.
– Author Unknown –

Calvin: Dad, how do people make babies?
Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears??
Dad: No, you were a blue light special at K-Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
– Bill Watterson –

Calvin: Is this milk spoiled?
Mom: Smell it and see.
Calvin: I’m not going to smell it! You smell it!
Mom: Oh, for goodness sake, here…It’s fine.
Calvin: I don’t take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire.
– Bill Watterson –

Calvin: You step into this chamber, set the appropriate dials, and it turns you into whatever you’d like to be.
Hobbes: It’s amazing what they can do with corrugated cardboard these days.
– Bill Watterson –

Childhood is a place as well as a time.
– May Sarton –

Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.
-Author Unknown –

Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.
– Haim Ginott

Children are living messages we send to a time and place we will never see.
– Author Unnown –

Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.
– Marcelene Cox –

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up we’ve learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs…dust go to sleep,
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
– Author Unknown –

Customer to TV salesman: I don’t need remote control. With four kids, my chances of controlling it are already remote!
– Jon Cagle

Don’t argue for a later bedtime while you’re wearing pajamas with feet.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

Don’t say “The last one there is a rotten egg” unless you’re absolutely sure there’s a slow kid behind you.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
– Fran Lebowitz –

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.
– Jerry Seinfeld –

Hobbes: Did you ask your mom if you could jump off the roof?
Calvin: Questions I know the answers to I don’t need to ask, right?
– Bill Watterson –

I am fond of children — except boys.
-Lewis Carroll –

I’d get pregnant if I could be assured I’d have puppies.
– Cynthia Nelms –

I don’t care what the world knows about me, I just hope my mother never finds out.
– Author Unknown –

If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.
-Rachel Louise Carson –

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
– Bill Watterson –

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re probably broke.
– Rhonda Dickenson –

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
– Abigail Van Buren –

If your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance that you won’t have any.
– Clarence Day –

In each child we see ourselves for we are yesterday’s children.
– Author Unknown –

I never met anyone who didn’t have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
– Fran Lebowitz –

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
– Robert Orben –

It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping.
– John Sinor –

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is why it takes several million sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction, totally confident it knows where it is going, to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
– Dave Barry –

It took a genius to develop an aspirin bottle that couldn’t be opened by a child capable of operating a VCR.
– Author Unknown –

I was born by Caesarean section, but you can’t really tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
– Stephen Wright –

I was browsing in a bookstore recently when I came across a book on child raising. It was a thin little volume of about fifteen or twenty pages that used the word “love” on every page and “reinforcement of self-esteem” on every other page. I leafed through it several times looking for the word that no parent should raise a child without: “No.” It wasn’t there. Mistake.
– Erma Bombeck –

I will have the children read Hamlet as soon as it is practical. There are some useful cautions against eavesdropping to be gleaned from that.
– Maryrose Wood, The Mysterious Howling –

Jonah’s adaptive niche in the family ecosystem was to be the perfect grandchild, eager to scramble up on laps, unafraid of bitter vegetables, under excited by television and computer games, and skilled at cheerfully answering questions like “Are you loving school?”
– Jonathan Franzen –

Kids? It’s like living with homeless people. They’re cute but they chase you around all day long going, “Can I have a dollar? I’m missing a shoe! I need a ride!”
– Kathleen Madigan –

Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
– Elizabeth Stone –

My mother taught me about Contortionism – “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
– Author Unknown –

My mother taught me religion – “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
– Author Unknown –

Nothing seems to make children more affectionate than sticky hands.
– Author Unknown –

Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one’s own interest in the topic has waned.
– Fran Lebowitz –

One of the great mysteries of life is how the idiot that your daughter married can be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the whole wide world.
– Author Unknown –

One of the things I’ve discovered in general about raising kids is that they really don’t give a damn if you walked five miles to school.
– Patty Duke –

Rearing three children is like growing a cactus, a gardenia, and a tubful of impatiens. Each needs varying amounts of water, sunlight and pruning. Were I to be absolutely fair, I would have to treat each child as if he or she were absolutely identical to the other siblings, and there would be no profit for anyone in that.
– Phyllis Grissim-Theroux –

The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.
– Author Unknown –

The best thing about children’s birthday parties is that they prove there are children who behave worse than your own.
– Author Unknown –

The best way to raise one child is to have two.
– Marcelene Cox –

The child’s philosophy is the true one. He does not despise the bubble because it burst; and he immediately sets to work to blow another.
– J.J. Procter –

The glory of springtime is the same to all. But there are many different points of view. A child sees it best from the middle of a mud puddle.
– Pearl Swiggum –

The happiest families are those in which the children are properly spaced. About ten feet apart.
– Author Unknown –

The little girl had the making of a poet in her, who, being told to be sure of her meaning before she spoke, said, “How can I know what I think till I see what I say?”
– Graham Wallas –

The most effective birth control I know is a toddler with the croup and diaper rash.
– Kate Zannoni –

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
– David Richerby –

There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
-Benjamin Spock –

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
– Monta Crane –

There she was in our little Hawaiian country library, same face, braces, braids, skinny sloping shoulders…Then I realized they’ve probably just run out of patterns for people now, and are beginning to repeat them over and over.
– Peg Bracken –

They say children brighten up the home. That’s right – they never turn off the lights.
– Author Unknown –

Thomas Wolfe wrote, “You can’t go home again.” You can, but you’ll get treated like an eight-year-old.
– Daryl Hogue –

We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.
– Stephen Wright –

We’ll have children of the kingdom.
They won’t be torn by war,
nor will they
kill or hate
or hesitate to love.
– Seals and Croft –

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
– Erma Bombeck –

When I was a kid… no, wait, I still do that…
– Author Unknown –

When they handed her to me and I realized it was a girl, I thought, “I’ve never understood one of you in my whole life.” She’s got a lot of ‘splainin to do.”
– Sean Penn –

Years ago, a child in a tree with a small caliber rifle bushwacked a piano through the open summer windows of a neighbor’s living room.
– Thomas McGuane –

You can always tell a home with a five-year old in it. You have to wash the soap before you use it.
– Richard Celeste –

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
– Franklin P. Jones –

Dessert and Candy Quotations

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
– Author Unknown –

A bag of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. “You want to be careful with those,” Ron warned Harry. “When they say every flavor, they mean every flavor – you know, you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate and peppermint and marmalade, but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. George reckons he had a booger-flavored one once.”
Ron picked up a green bean, looked at it carefully, and bit into a corner.
“Bleaaargh – see? Sprouts.”
– J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone –

After you’ve eaten all the raw cookie dough, you might as well turn off the oven.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
– Jim Fiebig –

A party without cake is just a meeting.
– Julia Child –

Cheese popcorn is not a dairy product.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Dessert should close the meal gently and not in a pyrotechnic blaze of glory. No cultivated feeder, already well fed, thanks his host for confronting him with a dessert so elaborate that not to eat it is simply rude – like refusing to watch one’s host blow up Bloomingdale’s.
– Alan Koehler, ‘Madison Avenue Cook Book’ –

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250.
– Author Unknown –

Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec.
– J. Hart –

I doubt whether the world holds for anyone a more soul-stirring surprise than the first adventure with ice cream.
– Heywood Broun –

I prefer to regard a dessert as I would imagine the perfect woman: subtle, a little bittersweet, not blowsy and extrovert. Delicately made up, not highly rouged. Holding back, not exposing everything and, of course, with a flavor that lasts.
– Graham Kerr –

Life is like an 6-slice apple pie at a 12-guest dinner banquet. If you just sit back and wait for it to come to you, chances are, you’re going to miss dessert.
– Donald L. Hicks, Look into the stillness –

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
– Ernestine Ulmer –

Man at bakery: Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out. But I can usually sedate him with four or five doughnuts.
– Author Unknown –

Mousse: How pudding describes itself on its résumé!
– Last Week Tonight with John Oliver –

One gloomy spring day my wife, who seldom bakes, asked our three year old daughter if she’d like to help her bake some cookies. Kaylah looked up at her mom in surprise and asked, “Is it Christmas again?”
– Jamey Gormley –

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over –

Question: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Answer: A cookie sheet.
– Author Unknown –

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
-Erma Bombeck –

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!
– Author Unknown –

These days, you never know what’s going to happen next. Ergo, eat your dessert first.
– Author Unknown –

Think what a better world it would be if we all had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap.
– Robert Fulghum –

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate the eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.
– Gracie Allen –

We dare not trust our wit for making our house pleasant to our friend, so we buy ice cream.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson –

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.
– Jim Davis –

You can say this for ready-mixes — the next generation isn’t going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make.
– Earl Wilson –

You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.
– Ronald Reagan –