Alcohol and Soft Drink Quotations

Beer

The Quippery

Alternative Energy: A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drank an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
– Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader –

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
– Stephen Wright –

Canada has many competitive advantages in making world class beers: proximity to malt barley, large fresh water supply, educated workforce and more than 10 million local beer drinkers.
– Beer Canada –

I always do my best thinking over a glass of beer. Two heads are better than one.
– From the Best of Bridge –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
– Irwin Corey –

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
– Dave Barry –

When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.
– Samuel Butler –

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry –

Other Alcohol

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemingway –

Always remember, Clemmie, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

Because you are wrong, you know, when you say that drink is a disease. It is the nostrum of the lost, the panacea of the unhappy. They drink to drown their sorrows, and because sorrows, alas, know how to swim, they must drink deeper and ever deeper.
– Katherine Roy –

Buck and Ear Pub
– Fun Pun Name found on the internet –

But I’m not so think as you drunk I am.
– Sir J.C. Squire –

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
– Author Unknown –

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin –

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met or why they’re dead.
– Laura Kightliner –

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.
– Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker –

I’ll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
– Hawkeye – M*A*S*H 1973 –

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
– George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? –

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman –

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
-Author Unknown –

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine –

That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
– Charles Bukowski, Women –

There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.
– Stephen King –

To be safe on the Fourth
Don’t buy a fifth on the third.
– James H. Muehlbauer –

When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.
– Paul Clisura –

You can’t drown your sorrows; they know how to swim.
– Gladiola Montana, short version of quotation by Katherine Roy –

Soft Drinks

A hotel mini bar allows you to see what a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years.
– Rich Hall –

Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
– David Letterman –

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– Author Unknown –

Livin’ is like pourin’ water out of a tumbler into a dang Coca-Cola bottle. If’n you skeered you can’t do it, you cain’t. If’n you say to yourself, “By dang, I can do it!” then, by dang, you won’t slosh a drop.
– Olive Ann Burns –

Make no bones about it, soft drinks are taking over. If the soda industry has its way, kids will be pouring Coke over their Count Chocula.
– Author Unknown –

There are things in American culture that want to wipe the class distinction. Blue jeans. Ready-made clothes. Coca-Cola.
– Leslie Fiedler –

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
– Lewis Grizzard –

What’s great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest.
– Andy Warhol –

Golf Quotations

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
– Author Unknown –

Anyone caught collecting golf balls will have their balls removed.
– Sign somewhere –

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
– Lee Trevino –

Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study ‘Shanks – No Thanks’ by R.K. Hoffman, or in extreme cases, M.S. Howard’s excellent ‘Tennis for Beginners’.
– Henry Beard –

Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it’s called the PGA Tour.
– Alex Hay –

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
– Author Unknown –

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
– Robin Williams –

Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
– Paul Harvey –

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose
– Winston Churchill –

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
– Bob Hope –

Good golf is easier to play – and far more pleasant – than bad golf.
– Babe Didrikson Zaharias –

His driving is unbelievable. I don’t go that far on my holidays.
– Ian Baker-Finch, on John Daly –

I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it.
– Jim Dent –

I don’t exaggerate — I just remember big.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
– Lee Trevino –

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
– Tom Mulligan –

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
– Jack Lemon –

I’ll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.
– Bruce Lansky –

I’m in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
– Lee Trevino –

I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
– Lee Trevino –

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
– Joe E. Lewis –

It’s so ridiculous to see a golfer with a one foot putt and everybody is saying “Shhh” and not moving a muscle. Then we allow nineteen year-old kids to face a game-deciding free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling.
– Al McGuire –

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
– Hank Aaron –

I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.
– Bob Hope –

I’ve heard people say putting is 50 percent technique and 50 percent mental. I really believe it is 50 percent technique and 90 percent positive thinking, see, but that adds up to 140 percent, which is why nobody is 100 percent sure how to putt.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
– George Brett –

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
– Bob Hope –

Long way… wrong way.
– A Golfers Lament –

Make thy ball lie in green pastures, not in still waters. (Arnie-3: par 72)
– Ben Hogan –

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
– Franklin P. Adams –

My handicap? Woods and irons.
– Chris Codiroli –

My game went so bad today, that I lost two balls in the ball washer.
– Author unknown –

One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water.
– Lee Trevino, describing how he was one under during a tournament –

Some golfers blast their ball from traps,
With one adroit explosion,
But others, out in ten perhaps,
Depend upon erosion.
– Richard Armour –

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez –

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.
– John Updike –

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
– Bruce Lansky –

The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.
– Author Unknown –

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
– Ray Floyd –

Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.
– Jack Nicklaus, on why he tees his ball high –

We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.
– Bob Hope –

What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.
– Walter Hagen –

When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.
– Dave Stockton –

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
– Author Unknown –

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
– Henny Youngman –

Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn’t float too well.
– Craig Stadler –

You know what they say about big hitters…the woods are full of them.
– Jimmy Demaret –

You know you’re on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do.
– Bob Bruce –

You’ve just one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.
– Sam Snead –

Math and Number Quotations

Algorithms

The QuipperyApply shampoo to wet hair. Massage to lather, then rinse. Repeat.
– An infinite loop hair-washing algorithm –

I have a simple algorithm, which is, wherever you see paid researchers instead of grad students, that’s not where you want to be doing research.
– Larry Page –

I know how models are built, because I build them myself, so I know that I’m embedding my values into every single algorithm I create and I am projecting my agenda onto those algorithms.
– Cathy O’Neil –

Nothing will ever replace the experience of wandering haphazardly through a great bookstore, no matter how many algorithms are developed to find matches for our tastes. That’s because not only is there no accounting for taste, there is no predicting it either.
– Dominique Browning –

Someone from the Internet Writing Workshop sent me a link to the Gender Genie, where you paste in a section of text and it uses an algorithm to detect whether the author is male or female. Or, if you’re an author, you can tell whether you’re really nailing your opposite-sex characters. I mean, nailing their dialog.
– Max Barry –

The crucial problem isn’t creating new jobs. The crucial problem is creating new jobs that humans perform better than algorithms.
– Yuval Noah Harari, Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow –

The Facebook algorithm designers chose to let us see what our friends are talking about. They chose to show us, in some sense, more of the same. And that is the design decision that they could have decided differently. They could have said, “We’re going to show you stuff that you’ve probably never seen before.” I think they probably optimized their algorithm to make the most amount of money, and that probably meant showing people stuff that they already sort of agreed with, or were more likely to agree with.
– Cathy O’Neil –

The next question is how? How does news find us? What you need is a certain critical literacy about the fact that you are almost always subject to an algorithm. The most powerful thing in your world now is an algorithm about which you know nothing about.
– Kelly McBride –

There is no algorithm for creativity.
– Andy Hargreaves –

There is no Algorithm for Humor.
– Robert Mankoff –

We don’t let a car company just throw out a car and start driving it around without checking that the wheels are fastened on. We know that would result in death; but for some reason we have no hesitation at throwing out some algorithms untested and unmonitored even when they’re making very important life-and-death decisions.
– Cathy O’Neil –

General Math

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
– Sign on a T-shirt –

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
– Charles Darwin –

As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school.
– Cokie Roberts –

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
– Author Unknown –

A talking sheepdog got all the sheep in the pen, then told the farmer “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” said the farmer.
“I know,” said the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
– Reader’s Digest –

Calvin: Help me with this homework, OK? What’s 6+3?
Hobbes: 6+3, eh? First we call the answer “Y” as in “Y do we care?” Now Y may be a square number, so we’ll draw a square and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we’ll measure the diagonal.
Calvin: I don’t remember the teacher explaining it like this.
Hobbes: She probably doesn’t know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math.
Calvin: But this diagonal is just a little under two.
Hobbes: OK, here, I’ll draw a bigger square.
– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes –

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
– Sign on a chalk board –

Don’t discuss infinity with a mathematician. You’ll never hear the end of it.
– Author Unknown –

Equations are the devil’s sentences.
– Stephen Colbert –

Fibonacci. It’s as easy as 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, …
– Numerous Authors –

Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec.
– J. Hart –

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…
– Reader’s Digest –

How I see math word problems:
Question: If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?
Answer: Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats.
– Author Unknown –

I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very discrete.
– Author Unknown –

I know that two and two make four – and should be glad to prove it too if I could – though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert 2 and 2 into five it would give me much greater pleasure.
– George Gordon, Lord Byron –

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to 10. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
– M. Grundler –

Life without geometry is pointless.
– Author Unknown –

Mathematics is like childhood diseases. The younger you get it, the better.
– Arnold Sommerfeld –

Mathematics teachers call retirement ‘the aftermath’.
– Author Unknown –

Math – the only place where people can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why.
– sunnyskyz.com –

Not everything that counts can be counted. Not everything that can be counted counts.
– Albert Einstein –

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
– Reader’s Digest –

Skinner’s Constant – that quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
– Author Unknown –

Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.
– Author Unknown –

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
– Fran Lebowitz –

The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.
– Jimmy Fallon –

The trouble with integers is that we have examined only the very small ones. Maybe all the exciting stuff happens at really big numbers, ones we can’t even begin to think about in any very definite way. Our brains have evolved to get us out of the rain, find where the berries are, and keep us from getting killed. Our brains did not evolve to help us grasp really large numbers or to look at things in a hundred thousand dimensions.
– Ronald L. Graham –

Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It’s dark, isn’t it!?
– Author Unknown –

Today’s scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
– Nikola Tesla –

Trigonometry is a sine of the times.
– Author Unknown –

Understanding binary is as easy as 1, 10, 11.
– Author Unknown –

We will prove this by the method of prolonged staring.
– Joel Franklin –

Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
– Author Unknown –

What part of s = sqrt{frac{1}{N-1} sum_{i=1}^N (x_i – overline{x})^2} don’t you understand?
– Author Unknown –

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply!”
All the animals departed, except for two snakes in the back. Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”
The snakes flicked their tongues and answered, “We can’t multiply, Noah, we’re Adders.”
– Reader’s Digest –

Half

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.
– Bill Cosby –

Some folks go through life pleased that the glass is half full. Others spend a lifetime lamenting that it’s half-empty. The truth is: There is a glass with a certain volume of liquid in it. From there, it’s up to you!
– Dr. James S. Vuocolo –

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
– George Carlin –

The algebraic simultaneous equation theorist says that if the glass is equally half full and half empty, then half full = half empty; therefore ½ x F = ½ x E; therefore (by multiplying both sides of the equation by 2) we show that F = E; i.e. Full equals Empty!
– businessballs.com –

The optimist says: “The glass is half-full.” The pessimist says: “The glass is half-empty”. And while they are arguing, the pragmatist takes the glass and drinks it.
– businessballs.com –

The professional trainer does not care if the glass is half full or half empty, he just knows that starting the discussion will give him ten minutes to figure out why his powerpoint presentation is not working.
– businessballs.com –

The scientist says a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass; fill the empty glass with fresh content up to the mark; add the original content back in; if the combined content overflows the lip, the glass was more than half full; if it doesn’t reach the top, the glass was more than half empty; if it neither overflows nor fails to reach the top then it was either half-full or half-empty. Now what was the question again?
– businessballs.com –

Three

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
– Author Unknown –

I suffer from entertaining anxiety… a fear that I can’t juggle the timing of three things alchemically transforming themselves in dangerously hot places.
– Dominique Browning –

People can be divided into three groups – those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
– John W. Newbern –

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
– Will Rogers –

The development of a new product is a three step process – first, an American firm announces an invention; second, the Russians claim they made the same discovery twently years ago; third, the Japanese start exporting it.
– Unknown –

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.
– Charles Schultz –

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
– Mark Twain –

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math and those who aren’t.
– Author Unknown –

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
– Unknown –

Trio, triple, thirds say three.
As do triad, ternion and trilogy,
Triptych, trine and trichotomy,
Triangle, treble and trinity.
– Margy –