All posts filed under: The Quippery

Genealogy Quotations

A modern mother was explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album. The mother said, “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.” “Who is that?” asked the daughter. “Oh,”” answered the mother, “The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt. She’s the family genealogist!” – Author Unknown – Family trees are self-pruners… everyone dies in the end! – Author Unknown – Family tree? Ours is a shrub! – The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History – Found a Yankee in my tree – will trade for horse thief or black sheep. – Author Unknown – Genealogy: an attempt to prove the theory of relativity. – Mary Kearns Trace – Genealogists diet: Fiche and Ships topped with tantalizing Sources. – abaysview – He ain’t heavy – he’s my brother’s aunt’s sister’s husband. – Author Unknown – If your family tree doesn’t fork? You might be …

Grammar and Punctuation at the Bar Quotations

There are many ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes, including: Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked. A dyslexic walks into a bra… There are many variations that include animals, including: A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink called Freddy?” There are also a few grammar and punctuation bar jokes: A bar was walked into by the passive voice. A group of homophones wok inn two a bar. A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph. A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. An ellipsis walks into a bar and says… An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. A period walks into a bar and comes to a full stop. A synonym strolls into a tavern. At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a …

Health and Disease Quotations

Cancer An adult friend asked Christina what she would like for her eighth birthday. The small child, diagnosed with neuroblastoma, rubbed her hand over her bald head, then rested her face in her hands and said, “I don’t know. I have two sticker books and a Cabbage Patch doll. I have everything. (Christina, age 12, Alpena, Michigan) – Erma Bombeck, I Want to Grow Hair, I Want to Grow Up, I Want to go to Boise – Children Surviving Cancer – Although the strain had been building slowly in both of us, particularly over the seven months of chemotherapy, we both came unraveled rather abruptly …It seemed that one day we were fine, and then the next day life came apart at the seams like a cheap suit. – Ken & Treya Wilber – Bert was 5 years old and fighting neuroblastoma. He loved to draw. One day when he was asked, “Are you going to be an artist when you grow up?” he said indignantly, “I am an artist.” – Erma Bombeck – Cancer …

Housework Quotations

A messy house is a happy home! Bullshit. How many smiling kids have your seen on Hoarders? 1. Log off Facebook 2. Clean your house. – rottencards – Based on the amount of laundry I do each week, I’m going to assume there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet. – Author Unknown – Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller – Don’t refluff the guest towels – just admit that you used them. – Dee Ann Stewart – Secrets to a Simpler Life – Do not take the chill off the room by turning the iron to the cotton setting. – Erma Bombeck – Due to circumstances beyond our control, our butler and maid have resigned. Your cooperation in helping to keep this place clean will be greatly appreciated. – Author Unknown – Every woman’s dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed… and clean the whole house while she …

Wildlife Quotations

Canine In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food. – Billy Crystal – Suburban foxes are not simply tame towards men. They are also damn supercilious. One pads amongst the azaleas in our garden at night, staring through the lounge windows to watch the News at Ten. – Richard Gordon – The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. – Oscar Wilde – There are, of course, several things in Ontario that are more dangerous than wolves. For instance, the step-ladder. – J.W. Curran – Cervidae According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s …

Coffee and Tea Quotations

All the coffee in Columbia won’t make me a morning person. – Author Unknown – American-style iced tea is the perfect drink for a hot, sunny day. It’s never really caught on in the UK, probably because the last time we had a hot, sunny day was back in 1957. – Tom Holt – A morning without coffee is like sleep. – Author Unknown – As far as her mom was concerned, tea fixed everything. Have a cold? Have some tea. Broken bones? There’s a tea for that too. Somewhere in her mother’s pantry, Laurel suspected, was a box of tea that said, ‘In case of Armageddon, steep three to five minutes’. – Aprilynne Pike, Illusions – Bread and water can so easily be toast and tea. – Author Unknown – COFFEE.SYS Not Found: User startup disabled. – Author Unknown – C:COFFEE.POT missing (A)bort (R)etry (F)all asleep? – Author Unknown – Déjà Brew: The feeling that you’ve had this coffee before. – Author Unknown – Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors? …

Love the Skin You’re In Quotations

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all. – Ann Landers (1918-2002) – Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5. – Roseanne Barr – Becoming the new feminine ideal requires just the right combination of insecurity, exercise, bulimia and surgery. – G. B. Trudeau – Beauty is about perception, not about make-up. I think the beginning of all beauty is knowing and liking oneself. You can’t put on make-up, or dress yourself, or do you hair with any sort of fun or joy if you’re doing it from a position of correction. – Kevyn Aucoin – But I think the first real change in women’s body image came when JLo turned it butt-style. That was the first time that having a large-scale situation in the back was part of mainstream American beauty. Girls wanted butts now. Men were free to admit that they had always enjoyed …

Card Playing Quotations

A well-adjusted person is one who can play bridge or golf as if they were games. – Author Unknown – Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability, than in poker. – Steve Badget If, after the first twenty minutes, you don’t know who the sucker at the table is, it’s you. – David Levien and Brian Koppelman – If looks could kill, a lot of people would die with bridge cards in their hands. – Best of Bridge – If you are going to build something in the air it is always better to build castles than houses of cards. – Georg C. Lichtenberg – If you’re lost in the woods, start playing solitaire with a pack of cards. Someone is sure to show up and tell you to put the red jack on the black queen. – Author Unknown – I’m probably one of the worst people with numbers you’ve ever met. My brothers always …

Law and Order Quotations

Crime After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals. – The Two Ronnies – A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. – Howard Scott – If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there. – Dontpokethebear.com – If you don’t know there’s a trampoline in the room, you’re not going to dust the ceiling for prints. – Law and Order TV Show – I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. (New York Mayor when accused of not paying his taxes.) – David Denkins – Is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not person to do such is please not to read notice. – Sign in Tokyo Hotel – I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. – Woody Allen – Murder …

Flying Machines and Flight Quotations

Airline agent to waiting passengers: “Boarding first will be the disgruntled, followed by the hopelessly late and, finally, the just plain infuriated.” – Charles Almon – Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.” – Dave Barry – Americans have an abiding belief in their ability to control reality by purely material means. Hence… airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash. – Cecil Beaton – And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker. – Custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam – Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute. – Gil Stern – Did you hear about the little old lady in the US who wasn’t allowed to take her crochet hooks on board the airplane … …

Friends Quotations

A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines. – Benjamin Franklin – A friend is somebody who knows all about you and likes you anyway. – Author Unknown – A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck – An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. – Jim Hayes – Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. – W.H. Auden – A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. – Bernard Meltzer – Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most. – American Proverb – Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake. – Author Unknown – Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow …

The Quippery

Love and Marriage Quotations

A bachelor asked a computer dating service to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small, and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.” – Author Unknown – A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting. – Helen Rowland – A Marriage Made in Heaven or Too Tired for an Affair – Erma Bombeck, Book Title – American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. – Somerset Maugham – An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie – A smart husband is one who saves all the barbershop gossip until after dinner – so that his wife will help him with the dishes. – Edna May Bush – Be the one person who’s found a second use for a bridesmaid’s dress. – Dee Ann …

Religion and Spirituality Quotations

A country church – people wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were trout or northern pike. – Author Unknown – A country church – the only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash. – Author Unknown – And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round… and laughed and laughed and laughed. – Themetapicture.com – Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. – Eleanor Roosevelt – Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who always wondered if there really was a dog? – Author Unknown – Even if you don’t believe a word of the Bible, you’ve got to respect the person who typed all that. – Lotus Weinstock …

Drinking Straws Quotations

The lighter side of the Drinking Straw Ban. You think people will stop at 3D printing guns? Next they’ll print straws and then we’re all good as dead. – Comfortably Smug, Twitter – “Dude, what are you in here for?” “Grand theft auto, aggravated assault, and homicide. You?” “Unauthorized distribution of an inexpensive, single-use beverage accessory.” “Dear God. Good luck, man.” – Current Events, Politics, Parody And Other Musings – Hey California: What happens if an illegal alien uses a plastic straw in a sanctuary city? – Charlie Kirk, Twitter – Don’t ask for a straw with your smoothie, but definitely take an ecotourism trip to Costa Rica. – s.e. smith, bitchmedia – Looking back to my childhood, who would have thought that #drinkingstraws would be banned but #pot would be legal. #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmm – @SamLapradeCFRE, May 17 – If Straws Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Straws – Jim Treacher, PJ Media – Yesterday morning, we learned of PC-driven news from two of Americans largest corporations. Starbucks announced its goal to eliminate plastic straws from …

Arts and Crafts Quotations

Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. – Al Capp – A child’s definition of art: first I think, then I draw a line around my think! – Author Unknown – A painting is what you make of it, besides which, ‘Moon, Weeping’ has a better ring to it than ‘Paintbrush, Dripping.’ – Robert Brault – Artists can color the sky red because they know it’s blue. Those of us who aren’t artists must color things the way they really are or people might think we’re stupid. – Jules Feiffer – Asking a seamstress to mend is like asking Michelangelo to paint your garage. – Author Unknown – Been there, done that, scrapped a page about it. – Anonymous Scrapbooker – Crafters are not complicated. How hard is it to say “You’re a genius” and give us chocolate? – sizzix.com – Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. – Scott Adams – Every child is an artist. The problem is …

Life and What it Is Quotations

It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it’s the same damn thing over and over. – Edna St. Vincent Millay – Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don’t have the picture on the front of the box to know what it’s supposed to look like. Sometimes, you’re not even sure if you have all of the pieces. –  A Whack on the Side of the Head – Life is easier if you dread only one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz – Life is hard. Then you die. In between you are a volunteer. – Author Unknown (This was my ‘mantra’ during all those years of being on Volunteer Boards!) – Life is lumpy. And a lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in a breast are not the same lump. One should learn the difference. – Robert Fulghum (I collected quotes like this when our youngest child had cancer.) – Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. – …

Wine Quotations – From the Vintner’s Cellar

Thoughts to put you in a Wine Frame of Mind: Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. – Joan Collins – [A] hangover is the wrath of grapes. – Youngman 1987 – A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. ‘Much obliged’, said he, pushing the plate aside; ‘I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills.’ – Jean-Antheleme Brillat-Savarin – I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W.C. Fields – If your Doctor said you could drink wine or be skinny, would you choose Red or White? – Author Unknown – I have great faith in the people; as for their wisdom, well, Coca-Cola still outsells champagne. – Adlai Stevenson – I thank god for my children everyday. Without them I’d never have known how well red wine complements chicken nuggets. – Author Unknown – It’s no longer ‘box wine’. The classy term is ‘Cardboardeaux’. – someecards.com – …

The Quippery

Ambushed by the Best Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are sentences that ambush you. They have an unexpected shift in meaning in the latter part of a sentence or phrase – that you didn’t expect from the first part of the sentence. Sometimes they also play on the double meaning of a particular word. Here are some examples that I found on sites about paraprosdokians, or that I’ve chosen because they seem to fit the definition. A fool and his money are soon elected. – Will Rogers – A good cook needs storage, a bad cook needs a dog. – IKEA sign in a store – And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system. – Robert Brault – Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch. – Orson Welles – By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain – Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. – Robert C. Gallagher – Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot …