All posts tagged: humor

Mildly Amusing Missives #2

Robert Fulghum – Questions and Answers Question: If you could live your life over, what changes would you make? Answer: None. Well, maybe I wouldn’t have eaten some bad oysters, and would forgo the times I had too much wine and was miserably hung over. But otherwise, I’d live it all over again – knowing that the hard and troublesome events almost always led to something good in the long run. Every difficulty contained possibilities for something that proved better. While Canadians wrestle with Environmentalists meddling in Canadian politics and policy… Democrats dig for Russian connection and uncover environmentalists. – Headline in ‘The Hill’, Merrill Matthews – The ‘out of touch bubble’ called Hollywood David O. Selznik, producer of Gone With The Wind, once observed that “It’s somehow symbolic of Hollywood that Tara was just a façade, with no rooms inside.” A Comment About Bitcoin I must say its entertaining watching greens who believe in the imaginary climate crisis condemn the enthusiasm of people who believe in an imaginary currency. – Eric Worrall- Confirmation bias …

Mildly Amusing Missives #1

When Grammar and Punctuation Walk into a Bar I’ve posted a new series of quotations on my blog,under the category The Quippery. They are  jokes about Walking into a Bar, but the subjects who do the walking are unusual. The Trials of Being Senior The other day, my mom asked Siri to find information on senior self-defense. Siri: “Looking for information on seniors in Depends.” After a couple of such unsuccessful attempts, my mom gave up. – Dawnette Moore Thompson, comment on Mike Rowe’s Facebook Page – A Belated In Memoriam Women loved (Alan) Rickman: He wasn’t movie-star handsome – not Kevin Costner male-lead handsome – but he oozed both a predatory sensuality and a kind of indifferent hauteur and the combination was irresistible. His mesmeric baritone could sound knee-tremblingly sexy when he was asking if you’d like fries with that. – Mark Steyn – To Be, or Not to Be The way to do is to be. — Leo-tzu, Chinese philosopher The way to be is to do. — Dale Carnegie Do be, do …

Well of Lost Thoughts – 2017

When I find ideas that speak to me, but I’m not ready to blog about them,  I save them on my Fueled by Chocolate ‘Well of Lost Thoughts’ Facebook Page. Here are just a few of the ones I have ‘rescued’ from there to share with you. How Cold was our Christmas this Year? “On Boxing Day, extreme cold warnings were issued for a section of Canada stretching from the Alberta/B.C. border all the way to the St. Lawrence River. That’s a swath of Canada roughly 3,500 km wide.” from the National Post: Mars and the North Pole are warmer than Winnipeg It was -30C (-22F) here at the Red House on Boxing Day (December 26). It takes a lot of fuel to heat our country in the winter – renewable resources are not going to be able to provide that much energy in the near term. In the meantime, we depend on fossil fuels. This video by Corb Lund and the Hurtin’ Albertans, (filmed near Devon, Alberta on May 30, 2004) is a favourite …

Canadian Snowbirds – Renewing a Prescription Drug in Arizona

Good News for Canadian Snowbirds! If you are going to run out of a prescription drug before you can get back to Canada, there could be a way you can get it refilled. Take the remaining medication to a local Urgent Care (Primary Care Walk-in) Centre (we used the one nearest  to us, in Fountain Hills Arizona). Be sure the medication is in the original container with the label from the pharmacy that filled your prescription. The Doctors or Nurse Practitioners will give you a similar check-up to what your doctor at home would do before renewing your prescription. There will, of course, be a fee for this service. The prescription will be sent to a pharmacy of your choice for pick-up the next day. Totally unrelated to this topic – I’ve edited the following popular Snowbird joke that circulates in emails. I made it an Alberta/Arizona joke instead of Minneapolis/Florida (though it is rather far fetched to think someone would choose to honeymoon in Arizona…) An Alberta couple decided to go to Arizona to …

The Quippery

Ambushed by the Best Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are sentences that ambush you. They have an unexpected shift in meaning in the latter part of a sentence or phrase – that you didn’t expect from the first part of the sentence. Sometimes they also play on the double meaning of a particular word. Here are some examples that I found on sites about paraprosdokians, or that I’ve chosen because they seem to fit the definition. A fool and his money are soon elected. – Will Rogers – A good cook needs storage, a bad cook needs a dog. – IKEA sign in a store – And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system. – Robert Brault – Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch. – Orson Welles – By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain – Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. – Robert C. Gallagher – Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot …

The Unofficial WordPress Undiscovered Club

Maybe you remember “The Never Been Freshly Pressed” Club (NBFP). I started it in 2013 because there were so many of us WordPress.com  bloggers who had never been ‘pressed‘. (‘Freshly Pressed’ was a WordPress magazine, of sorts, that featured the writings of every day bloggers.) ‘Freshly Pressed’ has been allowed to die. It has been replaced by Discover – a slick, modern online magazine. The editors select content from about  53 million posts per month, so the chances of your post being chosen are still quite slim, but if you do get selected, you get to put a badge on your sidebar! After almost seven years of blogging, I believe I have demonstrated an inability to be slick or modern – therefore I am, by extension, Undiscoverable. For that reason, I think I can safely form the Undiscovered Club, and proclaim myself  President of the Canadian chapter. Should he accept, Al at thecvillean is my choice for President of the American chapter. (He is current President of NBFP.) If you would like to join our …

The Quippery

Mysterious Baskets and Magic Gas Tanks

The Car Guy says we have a mysterious laundry basket at our house too. On the flip side, I have a car with a magic gas tank! When the tank is almost empty, I just put the car in the garage, and the next time I drive it, the tank is full again! Have you experienced any inexplicable events like this?

ocean rocks trees

Hawaii – Over the Top Writing Makes me do Just the Opposite

You’ve probably seen some of these ‘over the top’ words in Post Titles on the internet. They are supposed to be so enticing that you will click through to read the story. Here are some of the most common superlatives: Utterly Strangest Outrageous Amazing Groundbreaking Truth Astonishing Incredible Bombshell Awesomely Stunning Unbelievable (or You Won’t Believe Your Eyes) Insanely Gorgeous Impossible Absolutely Unbeatable You’ll Never Guess Ridiculous or Jaw Dropping for stories, that will Blow you away Be to Die For Take Your Breath Away Change Your World Freak You Out because well, OMG – This is Genius!!! This style of writing has just the opposite effect on me – I simply refuse to click through to read it. Just this once, though, I’m going to use words from the list above to describe my photos for this week’s WordPress Photo Challenge (which is Opposites.) These photos were taken on a trip to the Hawaiian Islands. OMG! The scenery was to die for! My jaw dropped as I watched the waves crash onto the rocks. …

Time and My Clock Walls – So Late So Soon

How time has changed!  When I was young, a clock had hands and you learned how to ‘tell time’. We had only a few clocks in our house. One was in the kitchen, and I suppose there was an alarm clock for my parental units (but I don’t remember ever hearing it ring.) I didn’t really pay attention to what time is was. Grown-ups did that for me. I just did what they told me to do when they told me to do it – mostly. If no one was telling me where to be or what to do, I let the sun and a rumble in my stomach guide me. Today we are surrounded by clocks. They reside in every conceivable appliance. This has a cost though – a microwave oven can consume more electricity powering its digital clock than it does heating food! Of course, most wall clocks are battery powered – but  how much do you spend on batteries in a year? How many clocks do you have to reset when Daylight …

Common Blogging Mistakes – To Fix or Not to Fix

I am the poster child for bloggers who have long since passed their best before date, if in fact I ever had one. I have a boatload of fake followers with names like ‘fbrxy3579’ but very few of them are actual readers. Most of the people I call ‘near and dear’ give me a glassy stare, and mutter something like “I haven’t checked the internet in the past 8 months” when I ask them if they read my last post. I don’t blame them – I’ve been blogging longer than most guinea pigs live, and my content is a ‘how to of what not’ to write about. I also have made many ‘blogging mistakes‘. Sure, I’ve fixed most of those, but I perversely hold onto others. You probably have made some of these ‘mistakes’ too, and maybe, like me, you just can’t be bothered to take the whole ‘What Not To Do‘ thing any more seriously than the ‘What Not to Wear’ thing.  If you are, however, curious – here is my list of what …

orange pink clouds Alberta

Transition – Beep Beep Boop is Gone?

The dawn of a new day. If there are clouds, then a sunrise can be a remarkably beautiful transition from dark to light. Perhaps our blogging hosts, WordPress.com, were thinking of dawn when they recently unveiled the New High Speed Editor. I certainly thought they had made a few improvements since they first introduced the ‘New Editor’. It loads so fast that the ever so unpopular, wait while I’m working, ‘Beep Boop Boop’ screen is gone! Another plus – images can be dragged and dropped from your desktop right into your post. Unfortunately, the new editor is still in transition – the search feature for creating links to my old posts is missing. How long will it take before this transitional editor is finished? Or will it ever be? Will we still have access to the good old editor that many or us prefer, or will it eventually disappear? It is like asking, ‘Will there be a beautiful sunrise tomorrow morning’. No one really knows. Light precedes every transition. Whether at the end of a …

Internet – Google Autocomplete – Unfiltered Eavesdropping

Google Search wants to help you find what you are looking for. To speed up the process, it uses autocomplete to list suggestions that are based on the search activity of other Google users. Here are some of the searches I did and what I learned from my digital eavesdropping: pdf and atheism – two new religions. Once the issue of the unlocked cell phone is resolved, we can move on to other pressing matters. Potatoes were right up there with making babies. Why wouldn’t you know why your license was suspended? Maybe if you do the first three, the last will be easy… The fridge was a bit of a surprise considering the rest of the list. I will have the children read Hamlet as soon as it is practical. There are some useful cautions against eavesdropping to be gleaned from that. – Maryrose Wood, The Mysterious Howling – One of the unique things about the human brain is that it can do only what it thinks it can do. The minute you say, …

Cautionary Tales – Falling off the Roof and Securing a Pumpkin

We had two ‘Be Careful!’ events at the Red House this week. The first was when The Car Guy went up on the roof to check the chimneys and see if the gutters needed cleaning. I was truly torn as to whether I would go up there too. I’m okay going up the ladder. The transition from ladder to roof is a bit scary. I’m okay walking around the roof, as long as I stay at the peak. The transition from roof to ladder… that is the really hard part. But, I did it, and really enjoyed looking at the yard below. The second ‘Be Careful’ event was the transportation of the Pumpkins. They had to get from our house to the Family Pumpkin Carving Party, a trip of half an hour. I’d already given the pumpkins a lobotomy and didn’t want them rolling around the back of the JEEP. I also didn’t want them to turn into projectiles if we had to stop suddenly! The Car Guy decided this was the best way to …

From Arizona to Alberta – Grand Canyon

In the foothills of the Mazatzal Mountains in Arizona, the cool night time air has a moderating effect on the heat that climbs up from the desert in the valley. But as spring progresses, the heat becomes more intense earlier and earlier in the day. When we start to think it would be a good time to check out how the air conditioner is working, we know it is  time to leave the desert and head north to Alberta. So we packed up our Jeep and began a long and scenic journey home. The Car Guy was confident that the Jeep GPS System would guide us, but he packed a paper map book just in case. He had a number of maps to choose from, but selected the one put out by Harley Davidson because it highlighted the most scenic routes… for motorcycles. Early in the trip, the Jeep GPS declared a distaste for conventional routes, as if to say, “I am a Jeep – I want to feel the rocks and mud beneath my …

thinking hat

More Puns – What These Words Can Also Mean!

Can you look deep inside a word and find another meaning? ABASEMENT: Where the furnace is located. ABDICATE: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. AFTERMATH: Relaxation after algebra class. ALARMS: What an octopus is. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds AVOIDABLE: What the bullfighter tried to do. BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline. BARIUM: What the undertaker usually does. BAROQUE: When I spend more than I make. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage. BUCCANEER: The price of a cob of corn. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with. CANTALOUPE: When you can’t run off and get married. CARNATION: Place where every citizen owns an automobile. CATALOGS: Material used to build cow fences. CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with a woman. COFFEE: The person you coughed on. COLANDER: Someone who arrives on the same plane as you did. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen countertops. CYTOLOGY: The study of real estate. DIPLOMA: Da’ man who fixes da’ pipes DOCKYARD: A physician’s garden. ECLIPSE: What a barber does. FLATULENCE: Emergency …

Chocolate – Here Today, Gone Today!

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better. – Unknown – Strength is the capacity to break a Hershey bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” ― Judith Viorst, Love & Guilt & The Meaning Of Life, Etc – After about 20 years of marriage, I’m finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. – Mel Gibson – Chocolate: Here today …. Gone today! – Unknown –