Mildly Amusing Missives #6 – Tweets

What You Should Know About Naps

Too Many Words

How Much of your Day is Spent in Landscape Mode?

Trump Derangement Syndrome

So You Want Something for Nothing

Will Great Britain Ever Leave the EU?

But after two years of watching one deadline give way to the next, does anyone really believe Britain will meet this one?
– Emma Ross-Thomas, Bloomberg –

Who You Were Will be More Important Than Who you Became
So You Think You are Overtaxed?

Canadian Taxes on Gasoline: Federal Tax, Provincial Tax, Sales Tax and Carbon Tax.

On the Food Front

Bathroom Thoughts

Ever notice that public restrooms sometimes mount the paper towel dispenser so high that the water drips up your arms when you reach for the towel? (Or maybe that is just something that happens to short people…) Some restrooms only have air blowers and they are so weak you finally just wipe your hands on your pants.

Do you agree that you should  “Avoid using the handicapped stall unless you are entitled to do so?” I think that is bad advice. The handicapped are perfectly capable of waiting a few minutes for their stall to become available and it is silly to leave a stall vacant when there is a long line of people waiting to use the facilities.

What did you find Mildly Amusing this week?

Mildly Amusing Missives #5

The Lighter Side of Arts, Crafts and Leisure Activities

I’m a ‘jack of all trades’ in the crafts department. I’ve never stuck with anything long enough to get really good at it… except for collecting quotes. Here are the ones about Arts and Crafts.

On the Crafts front, I’ve been collecting red Tim’s Iced Capp straws (so I can keep them out of where ever discarded straws go in my prairie province.) I wasn’t sure what to make out of them until I saw this sculpture by the artist David Moreno who makes these out of steel rods. I think I could use my red straws for a project like this – I have just about enough straws for the house on the far left…

In some Future Time or State

I believe in the hereafter.
Every time I walk into a room, I ask, “What am I here after?”
Andrew’s View of the Week

Grapefruit and the Post Office

We have a grapefruit tree at the Arizona house. Sometimes the fruit is oddly shaped, but it is delicious. I am more than optimistic that there will be enough fruit to last me until we go home, in addition to the fruit we will take to the post office every few days. No, we don’t mail it. Our post office simply has a box on a bench near the door where people share their fruit harvest.

Our post office also has an ‘alpha box’. This is a series of ‘pigeon holes’, each with a letter of the alphabet on it. You can ‘mail’ letters to anyone in our community (without buying postage) by putting them in the appropriate alpha box.

A Great Horned Owl on the Fence

It is impossible to not be optimistic about life when a Great Horned Owl sits on your fence.

He respects Owl, because you can’t help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn’t spell it right.
– A. A. Milne –

How to Know When a Politician is Out of Touch

Catherine McKenna is Canada’s Minister of Environment and Climate Change. She was lamenting about the cold. She had apparently not noticed how cold Canada gets every winter.

What examples have you heard where politicians in your community appear to have lost touch with common sense?

One Thing Leads to Another – Telemarketers

We are kind of like this dog when it comes to our home phone. Even though we know that 99% of the time a ringing home phone is a telemarketer, we still go over to the phone to check the call display!

Apparently, the best way to get a telemarketer to stop calling you is to say: “Please put me on your do not call list.” Don’t give them any other information. Don’t engage with them. Don’t get upset.

One of my daughters used to respond to telemarketers by immediately putting her Small Child on the phone. Small Child was always full of questions and observations. Telemarketers with heavy foreign accents were easy prey for a boy without much of a filter between his young brain and his mouth.

Mildly Amusing Missives #4 – Twitter

I created a Twitter account a few weeks ago.  I’ve been following and unfollowing people since then. There is a fine line between ‘this is interesting’ and ‘this is depressing’. Here are some of the more amusing and thought provoking things I’ve found.

What your Dog is Thinking

something. you may not realize you’re allowed to do. is take a snoozle. and then when you wake up. immediately start another one
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings Jul 4 –

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings –

I don’t own or use a virtual assistant – do you?

You would think that by now Alexa might be experienced enough in the ways of carbon-based lifeforms to be able to distinguish between a sneeze and the calling out of her name. “Bless you, Stephen” would be a better response than “Hm. I don’t know that one.”
– Stephen Fry, @stephenfry Jul 11 –

Would Car Guys agree?

As a teen, I dreamed of getting a Porsche 928. The 1982 model could go 0-60 in 8.0 seconds — so fast! But now my 2005 Hyundai Tucson can go 0-60 in 8.9 seconds. And it can carry kids, Christmas trees, and/or miter saws. #progress
– Geoffrey Miller @primalpoly Jul 10 –

DoodleChaos – An Animated Doodle to Music – Brilliant – I’ve watched it more than once!

Actor James Woods responds to Bette Midler’s Climate Change angst

Calling all #climatedeniers. IT WAS 117 YESTERDAY IN LOS ANGELES!!! IT’S GOING TO BE 103 TODAY. ITS 8AM. GIVE US A BREAK!!!
– Bette Midler @BetteMidler Jul 7 –
You live in the desert. It is July.
– James Woods @RealJamesWoods Jul 9 –

Ben Shapiro interviews Mike Rowe – I highly recommend watching this. Highly, highly recommend it.

Fear pays – that is why it is so rampant

I hope people don’t figure out that you can monetize fear. If spreading fear becomes profitable then greedy people might start distorting reality in a way that causes people to panic.
Rev. Duncan Trussell M.D. @duncantrussell Jul 7 –

Satire about HuaWei – the second largest smartphone manufacturer in the world after Samsung

CEO of HuaWei refuses to stop using expression ‘It’s my way or the HuaWei’
– The Beaverton @TheBeaverton Jul 7 –

Office Lingo

Have been compiling a major report all day and I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m a bit tired but I can’t help but think that “PDF’ing a file” sounds like something you just shouldn’t say in an office environment. #officelingo #notreallyswearing
– Blair King @BlairKing_ca Jul 6 –

Aquaculture makes a significant contribution to Canada’s economy, but is another industry under attack from environmentalists.

Trying to farm fish in Canada is like trying to operate a chicken farm under the rules of the Migratory Birds Act. – @brianleecrowley
– Stewart Muir @sjmuir Jun 22 –

Now and then you have to prune back Twitter, Facebook and Feed readers

Unfollow three toxic people in your Twitter feed (or unlike on FB and unsubscribe on YT) and see how quickly your day gets brighter. You don’t have to invite the madness to live rent free in your head.
– Dave Rubin @RubinReport Jul 3 –

Mildly Amusing Missives #3 – And More Owls

The Owlets Take Flight

Part Two of the Great Horned Owl Story is over here: The Owlets Take Flight

A Little Bit About Ants

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
– Steven Wright –

Ever so Virtuous

Virtue signalling: when you express an opinion in public to show your moral superiority and gain approval – without actually taking a significant action.

(Isaac) Newton wouldn’t last long as a ‘public intellectual’ in modern American culture. Sooner or later, he would say ‘offensive’ things that get reported to Harvard and that get picked up by mainstream media as moral-outrage clickbait. His eccentric, ornery awkwardness would lead to swift expulsion from academia, social media, and publishing. Result? On the upside, he’d drive some traffic through Huffpost, Buzzfeed, and Jezebel, and people would have a fresh controversy to virtue-signal about on Facebook. On the downside, we wouldn’t have Newton’s Laws of Motion.
― Geoffrey Miller –

Gender Neutrality in Canada

Gender neutrality is a hot issue is Canada right now. One line of our National Anthem has been changed from “in all thy sons command” to “in all of us command.” (To be honest, I haven’t been able to sing our entire National Anthem since the unofficial English/French version became the ‘right’ way to sing it.)

Prime Minister Trudeau, at a recent Town Hall meeting, corrected a young woman who spoke about the “the future of mankind.” Trudeau interrupted her and said, “ we like to say people-kind, not necessarily mankind.” (Days later, he claimed he was just joking.)

Gender Neutral wording gets kind of tricky. Is the word ‘person’ gender neutral? (It contains the word ‘son’.) Are the words ‘woman’ and ‘human’ gender neutral? (They both contain the word ‘man’.) Last, but not least – the Province of ‘Manitoba’. Will we have to change that name to Peopletoba’?

Canada’s Government and Male Bashing

CBC Comedy (part of a federally funded Canadian Crown Corporation) isn’t all that funny sometimes. A recent post started off: “Air Canada announced this morning that as of 2017, passengers will be required to pay an extra fee to transport any emotional baggage they happen to be carrying with them onto their flight.”

While that is a funny line, the post goes on to condemn men in general: “When it comes to homophobia, misogyny, and deep-seated racism, we’ll be charging $500 per issue … the airline made the decision to introduce the fee last week after nine different businessmen on nine different flights loudly refused to turn off their electronic devices during takeoff and then proceeded to get blind drunk on tiny bottles of vodka and yell racial slurs at the person in the seat beside them.”

Internet Speed 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
– Author Unknown –

Do you remember when you connected to the Internet by dial-up? It could take minutes, if not hours, to load web pages onto a computer! The majority of internet users today would be frustrated by the lack of speed, yet for many people in the world, a phone line, and the relatively low cost of dial-up, is either their preferred, or necessitated method of connecting.

Factors that affect the speed: 
Your computer (and any other equipment that connects it to the internet); interference or conflicts from other equipment (depending on your set-up.)
Your Service Provider – In addition to Dial-up, you can connect to the internet by Broadband (cable, DSL), Satellite or Wireless Tower. Each provider will have varying levels of service with faster Internet service billed at a premium. Independent of what you level of service you are paying for, the number of people trying to access the service provider can slow things down. (Our service is also dependent on weather, tower outages and a misaligned receiver dish!)
Internet Traffic – Access to any site will depend on the amount of traffic that is trying to access it.

Would you rather the world be warmer or cooler?

We have one of the big glacier rocks (an erratic) near us, so this Climate Change joke seems pretty funny…

A New Yorker visits Vermont and asks, “Where did all these rocks come from?” And the farmer says, “They were brought here by a glacier.”
“Well, what happened to the glacier?”
And the farmer replies, “It went back for more rocks.”
– Blacklock’s Reporter –

Personally, I prefer a warmer Canada – we are one of the coldest countries in the world. We are the 2nd largest country by land mass with .49% of the world population spread out across our entire width. We consume about .6% of the world food production, but we produce and export 1.5%. We emit only 1.69% of Global Greenhouse Gas Emissions.

A Joke about Government Being Out of Touch

A cowboy named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in southern Alberta, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Billy looked at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parked his car, whiped out his Dell® notebook computer, connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scaned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receiveed an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image had been processed and the data stored. He then accesseed an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receiveed a response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turned to the cowboy and said, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Billy. He watcheed the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as he stuffed it into the trunk of his car. Then Billy called to him, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thought  about it for a second and then said, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a MLA for Alberta’s NDP government!”, said Billy.

“Wow! That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
– OLL –

A Few Poems

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.
– Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker –

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust’s stolen his umbrella
– Charles Bowen

Mildly Amusing Missives #2

Robert Fulghum – Questions and Answers

Question: If you could live your life over, what changes would you make?
Answer: None. Well, maybe I wouldn’t have eaten some bad oysters, and would forgo the times I had too much wine and was miserably hung over. But otherwise, I’d live it all over again – knowing that the hard and troublesome events almost always led to something good in the long run. Every difficulty contained possibilities for something that proved better.

While Canadians wrestle with Environmentalists meddling in Canadian politics and policy…

Democrats dig for Russian connection and uncover environmentalists.
– Headline in ‘The Hill’, Merrill Matthews –

The ‘out of touch bubble’ called Hollywood

David O. Selznik, producer of Gone With The Wind, once observed that “It’s somehow symbolic of Hollywood that Tara was just a façade, with no rooms inside.”

A Comment About Bitcoin

I must say its entertaining watching greens who believe in the imaginary climate crisis condemn the enthusiasm of people who believe in an imaginary currency.
– Eric Worrall-

Confirmation bias (myside bias) – when you only believe things that confirm what you already believe in and doubt anything that doesn’t agree with that.

Confirmation bias isn’t an occasional bug in our human operating system. It is the operating system. – Scott Adams –

The Queen of Climate Change in Canada – stuffing gender into everything.

We need to consider the gendered impacts of climate change on women, girls and children…
– Twitter comment from Canadian Minister of Environment and Climate Change Catherine McKenna March 9, 2018 –

A tweeter responded: “My sister’s first job was babysitting. Mine was shoveling snowy driveways. Is that what you mean?”

Schlock Mercenary – I just found this online comic strip. I’ve put it on my ‘morning chuckle’ reading list.

Maxim 18: If the officers are leading from in front, watch for an attack from the rear.
The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

A quote my daughter sent me sums up the winter that won’t leave: “It’s like winter is really mad and keeps storming out of the room and then coming back in to yell ‘And another thing!'”

More snow is in the forecast, the Rockies have not reached the maximum snow-pack yet, and Edmonton Alberta has had 167 consecutive nights where temperatures were below freezing.

I can’t find the author of this, but I admire anyone who can write in rhyme.

A magazine writer named Bing
Could make copy from most anything;
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing.

The UK explained sexual consent in the most British way possible

If you have experienced Alberta in the winter and Saskatchewan in the summer, then you’ll appreciate this joke about the City of Lloydminster, which straddles the border between the two Provinces.

Person #1: “Did you know Mercury does not rotate on its axis as it orbits the sun?”
Person #2 pauses: “That can only mean one side is a barren ball of ice while the other side is a flaming fire pit of Hell!”
Person #3: “Presumably if you built a house on the border between the two it could be livable — in theory.”
Person #4: “Like Lloydminster!”
– Blacklock’s Reporter –

If you are tired of knitting sweaters and hats, try out some of these!
Jewellery and Moths at Max’s World
Knittin’ kittens and intra-abdominal viscera at Masculiknity

What did you find that was Mildly Amusing this week!