All posts tagged: Quip Cards

Card Playing

A well-adjusted person is one who can play bridge or golf as if they were games. – Author Unknown – Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability, than in poker. – Steve Badget If, after the first twenty minutes, you don’t know who the sucker at the table is, it’s you. – David Levien and Brian Koppelman – If looks could kill, a lot of people would die with bridge cards in their hands. – Best of Bridge – If you are going to build something in the air it is always better to build castles than houses of cards. – Georg C. Lichtenberg – If you’re lost in the woods, start playing solitaire with a pack of cards. Someone is sure to show up and tell you to put the red jack on the black queen. – Author Unknown – I’m probably one of the worst people with numbers you’ve ever met. My brothers always …

Law and Order

Crime After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals. – The Two Ronnies – A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. – Howard Scott – If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there. – Dontpokethebear.com – If you don’t know there’s a trampoline in the room, you’re not going to dust the ceiling for prints. – Law and Order TV Show – I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. (New York Mayor when accused of not paying his taxes.) – David Denkins – Is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not person to do such is please not to read notice. – Sign in Tokyo Hotel – I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. – Woody Allen – Murder …

Flying Machines and Flight

Airline agent to waiting passengers: “Boarding first will be the disgruntled, followed by the hopelessly late and, finally, the just plain infuriated.” – Charles Almon – Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.” – Dave Barry – Americans have an abiding belief in their ability to control reality by purely material means. Hence… airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash. – Cecil Beaton – And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker. – Custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam – Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute. – Gil Stern – Did you hear about the little old lady in the US who wasn’t allowed to take her crochet hooks on board the airplane … …

Friends

A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines. – Benjamin Franklin – A friend is somebody who knows all about you and likes you anyway. – Author Unknown – A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck – An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. – Jim Hayes – Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. – W.H. Auden – A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. – Bernard Meltzer – Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most. – American Proverb – Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake. – Author Unknown – Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow …

The Quippery

Love and Marriage

A bachelor asked a computer dating service to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small, and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.” – Author Unknown – A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting. – Helen Rowland – A Marriage Made in Heaven or Too Tired for an Affair – Erma Bombeck, Book Title – American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. – Somerset Maugham – An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie – A smart husband is one who saves all the barbershop gossip until after dinner – so that his wife will help him with the dishes. – Edna May Bush – Be the one person who’s found a second use for a bridesmaid’s dress. – Dee Ann …

Religion and Spirituality

A country church – people wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were trout or northern pike. – Author Unknown – A country church – the only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash. – Author Unknown – And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round… and laughed and laughed and laughed. – Themetapicture.com – Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. – Eleanor Roosevelt – Even if you don’t believe a word of the Bible, you’ve got to respect the person who typed all that. – Lotus Weinstock – For when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name, He writes – not that you won …

Drinking Straws

The lighter side of the Drinking Straw Ban. You think people will stop at 3D printing guns? Next they’ll print straws and then we’re all good as dead. – Comfortably Smug, Twitter – “Dude, what are you in here for?” “Grand theft auto, aggravated assault, and homicide. You?” “Unauthorized distribution of an inexpensive, single-use beverage accessory.” “Dear God. Good luck, man.” – Current Events, Politics, Parody And Other Musings – Hey California: What happens if an illegal alien uses a plastic straw in a sanctuary city? – Charlie Kirk, Twitter – Don’t ask for a straw with your smoothie, but definitely take an ecotourism trip to Costa Rica. – s.e. smith, bitchmedia – Looking back to my childhood, who would have thought that #drinkingstraws would be banned but #pot would be legal. #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmm – @SamLapradeCFRE, May 17 – If Straws Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Straws – Jim Treacher, PJ Media – Yesterday morning, we learned of PC-driven news from two of Americans largest corporations. Starbucks announced its goal to eliminate plastic straws from …

Arts and Crafts

Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. – Al Capp – A child’s definition of art: first I think, then I draw a line around my think! – Author Unknown – A painting is what you make of it, besides which, ‘Moon, Weeping’ has a better ring to it than ‘Paintbrush, Dripping.’ – Robert Brault – Artists can color the sky red because they know it’s blue. Those of us who aren’t artists must color things the way they really are or people might think we’re stupid. – Jules Feiffer – Asking a seamstress to mend is like asking Michelangelo to paint your garage. – Author Unknown – Been there, done that, scrapped a page about it. – Anonymous Scrapbooker – Crafters are not complicated. How hard is it to say “You’re a genius” and give us chocolate? – sizzix.com – Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. – Scott Adams – Every child is an artist. The problem is …

Life and What it Is

It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it’s the same damn thing over and over. – Edna St. Vincent Millay – Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don’t have the picture on the front of the box to know what it’s supposed to look like. Sometimes, you’re not even sure if you have all of the pieces. –  A Whack on the Side of the Head – Life is easier if you dread only one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz – Life is hard. Then you die. In between you are a volunteer. – Author Unknown (This was my ‘mantra’ during all those years of being on Volunteer Boards!) – Life is lumpy. And a lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in a breast are not the same lump. One should learn the difference. – Robert Fulghum (I collected quotes like this when our youngest child had cancer.) – Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. – …

Wine – From the Vintner’s Cellar

Thoughts to put you in a Wine Frame of Mind: Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. – Joan Collins – [A] hangover is the wrath of grapes. – Youngman 1987 – A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. ‘Much obliged’, said he, pushing the plate aside; ‘I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills.’ – Jean-Antheleme Brillat-Savarin – I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W.C. Fields – If your Doctor said you could drink wine or be skinny, would you choose Red or White? – Author Unknown – I have great faith in the people; as for their wisdom, well, Coca-Cola still outsells champagne. – Adlai Stevenson – I thank god for my children everyday. Without them I’d never have known how well red wine complements chicken nuggets. – Author Unknown – It’s no longer ‘box wine’. The classy term is ‘Cardboardeaux’. – someecards.com – …

Not a Sweet Tooth – a Chocolate Tooth

I started my Not Fueled by Chocolate Diet and Exercise program in April of this year. Six months into the project – I’ve come to the realization that it is going to take a lot longer than six months to achieve my goal! That means I still can’t have a stash of dark chocolate in the house. Why?  I am  1/3 a Chocoholic. That is to say, on the few occasions I have had access to a dark chocolate bar,  I am Chocoholic Signal 1 – not particularly good at limiting my intake to, lets say, a square a day. Fortunately,  I am not Chocoholic Signal 2 – having intense cravings and Chocoholic Signal 3 – eating it despite the consequences! No, I am not inclined to nibble a mere 70 calorie chunk and be content. It takes a full 200 chocolate calories (or more) to satisfy my palate.  I’d have to add another 3 miles of walking a day to make that calorie neutral. That isn’t going to happen, which brings me back to …

Where is Your Codex Vitae?

Is Codex Vitae a technical term for a part of your body or does it sound like a disease?  To answer that, I’m going to start you with Twitter, drag you through YouTube, and deposit you in a Book. Twitter – What do you Seek? Twitter receives a lot of criticism, but like everything else on the internet, the value is there if you take the time to look around. Think of Twitter as an almost endless series of doors. You open one door and if you don’t find anything of value, you can close it – but you might find another door there that is of more value to you.   It is through this exploration of doors that I have found a growing movement of people who don’t identify with ‘tribes’. They are open to listening to others they may not agree with. They have discussions and share ideas. Many of these people can be found at the Intellectual Dark Web Site. It’s the great agony and the ecstasy of the Internet today. …

Mildly Amusing Missives #4 – Twitter

I created a Twitter account a few weeks ago.  I’ve been following and unfollowing people since then. There is a fine line between ‘this is interesting’ and ‘this is depressing’. Here are some of the more amusing and thought provoking things I’ve found. What your Dog is Thinking something. you may not realize you’re allowed to do. is take a snoozle. and then when you wake up. immediately start another one – Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings Jul 4 – sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers – Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings – I don’t own or use a virtual assistant – do you? You would think that by now Alexa might be experienced enough in the ways of carbon-based lifeforms to be able to distinguish between a sneeze and the calling out of her name. “Bless you, Stephen” would be a better response than “Hm. I don’t know that one.” – Stephen Fry, @stephenfry Jul 11 – …

Mildly Amusing Missives #3 – And More Owls

The Owlets Take Flight Part Two of the Great Horned Owl Story is over here: The Owlets Take Flight A Little Bit About Ants I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small! – Steven Wright – Ever so Virtuous Virtue signalling: when you express an opinion in public to show your moral superiority and gain approval – without actually taking a significant action. (Isaac) Newton wouldn’t last long as a ‘public intellectual’ in modern American culture. Sooner or later, he would say ‘offensive’ things that get reported to Harvard and that get picked up by mainstream media as moral-outrage clickbait. His eccentric, ornery awkwardness would lead to swift expulsion from academia, social media, and publishing. Result? On the upside, he’d drive some traffic through Huffpost, Buzzfeed, and Jezebel, and people would have a fresh controversy to virtue-signal about on Facebook. On the downside, we wouldn’t have Newton’s Laws of Motion. ― Geoffrey Miller – Gender Neutrality in Canada Gender neutrality is a hot issue is …

The Upside to Absent-mindedness

For some reason there is a malfunction, some disconnect, between my imaginary hello and, well, my actual hello… Just know this: if you have ever passed me in the hall and I appeared to ignore you, it actually wasn’t like that at all… – Stuart McLean, The Vinyl Cafe Notebooks – An imaginary hello. Yes, that describes the greeting I sometimes don’t give. It’s caused (they say) by a condition called absent-mindedness (also spelled  absentmindedness or absent mindedness.) Often, I don’t even know that I’m being absent-minded. On other occasions, it is quite apparent: I search for my glasses and find them on the top of my head or I walk into a room but forget what I came there to do. I don’t think it is something to be stressed about. On the whole, my memory usually runs fairly smoothly and  I’m fairly adept at focusing when I need to. I see the shift into absent-mindedness as something that sets me free to think in abstract or creative ways – (that’s my story, and …

Mildly Amusing Missives #2

Robert Fulghum – Questions and Answers Question: If you could live your life over, what changes would you make? Answer: None. Well, maybe I wouldn’t have eaten some bad oysters, and would forgo the times I had too much wine and was miserably hung over. But otherwise, I’d live it all over again – knowing that the hard and troublesome events almost always led to something good in the long run. Every difficulty contained possibilities for something that proved better. While Canadians wrestle with Environmentalists meddling in Canadian politics and policy… Democrats dig for Russian connection and uncover environmentalists. – Headline in ‘The Hill’, Merrill Matthews – The ‘out of touch bubble’ called Hollywood David O. Selznik, producer of Gone With The Wind, once observed that “It’s somehow symbolic of Hollywood that Tara was just a façade, with no rooms inside.” A Comment About Bitcoin I must say its entertaining watching greens who believe in the imaginary climate crisis condemn the enthusiasm of people who believe in an imaginary currency. – Eric Worrall- Confirmation bias …

Not Fueled by Chocolate

As I slide towards another birthday, I am reminded that increasing age diminishes my ability to shed those extra pounds that cluster around the part of my body that makes me look like a pear. An unfortunate side effect of getting older is that it is getting harder to maintain anything remotely resembling an hour glass figure. A brisk thirty minute walk in the morning and forty-five minutes at the gym after lunch just isn’t enough exercise to make my clothes feel ‘less snug’. I’ve been forced to cut calories too, starting with the ultimate sacrifice – no dark chocolate snacks until the pudginess is brought into submission again. For some indefinite amount of time, my blog writing will ‘Not Be Fueled by Chocolate.’ There are any number of articles and advertisements that suggest how to lose weight (many are for bogus diets or are designed to drain your bank account), but it is only in the last few years that researchers have identified how our body fat makes us fat. With the rise in …

Mildly Amusing Missives #1

When Grammar and Punctuation Walk into a Bar I’ve posted a new series of quotations on my blog,under the category The Quippery. They are  jokes about Walking into a Bar, but the subjects who do the walking are unusual. The Trials of Being Senior The other day, my mom asked Siri to find information on senior self-defense. Siri: “Looking for information on seniors in Depends.” After a couple of such unsuccessful attempts, my mom gave up. – Dawnette Moore Thompson, comment on Mike Rowe’s Facebook Page – A Belated In Memoriam Women loved (Alan) Rickman: He wasn’t movie-star handsome – not Kevin Costner male-lead handsome – but he oozed both a predatory sensuality and a kind of indifferent hauteur and the combination was irresistible. His mesmeric baritone could sound knee-tremblingly sexy when he was asking if you’d like fries with that. – Mark Steyn – To Be, or Not to Be The way to do is to be. — Leo-tzu, Chinese philosopher The way to be is to do. — Dale Carnegie Do be, do …

The Quippery

Increase Your Chances of Being Right

In “post-fact culture”, where rationality seems to vanish in the storms of lies and conspiracy theories, beliefs about the future are crucial. – Gapminder Data System – Are you smarter than a chimp? Watch this funny, entertaining and encouraging video to see how your knowledge compares to the chimps at the zoo. How much do you know about the world? Hans Rosling, with his famous charts of global population, health and income data (and an extra-extra-long pointer), demonstrates that you have a high statistical chance of being quite wrong about what you think you know. Play along with his audience quiz — then, from Hans’ son Ola, learn 4 ways to quickly get less ignorant. – TED Talk by the Gapminder Founders – What facts surprised you or made you think more positively about the future of the world?

The Quippery

When Do You ‘Put Your Affairs in Order’?

Unless your Doctor has given you notice that your ‘Best Before Date’ is rapidly closing in on your ‘Expiry Date’, you might not have thought about the most important thing you can do for yourself now AND leave for your loved ones when you depart this world. This important thing costs no more than a sheet or two of paper, but it is priceless. It is a List of All the Things you know now – but might not remember later. It is a list of things the Executor of your Estate won’t know until they have rifled through your desk, file cabinet and all sorts of places obvious and obscure – so that they can wrap up your estate and deliver it to your rightful heirs. Think about this: Do you keep your documents in obvious locations like your desk, file cabinet or a shoe box under the bed? Does your family know you also stash important papers in a fake cabbage (or lettuce) in the fridge, a former box for fish cakes in …