All posts tagged: Quip Cards

Mildly Amusing Missives #4 – Twitter

I created a Twitter account a few weeks ago.  I’ve been following and unfollowing people since then. There is a fine line between ‘this is interesting’ and ‘this is depressing’. Here are some of the more amusing and thought provoking things I’ve found. What your Dog is Thinking something. you may not realize you’re allowed to do. is take a snoozle. and then when you wake up. immediately start another one – Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings Jul 4 – sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers – Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings – I don’t own or use a virtual assistant – do you? You would think that by now Alexa might be experienced enough in the ways of carbon-based lifeforms to be able to distinguish between a sneeze and the calling out of her name. “Bless you, Stephen” would be a better response than “Hm. I don’t know that one.” – Stephen Fry, @stephenfry Jul 11 – …

Mildly Amusing Missives #3 – And More Owls

The Owlets Take Flight Part Two of the Great Horned Owl Story is over here: The Owlets Take Flight A Little Bit About Ants I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small! – Steven Wright – Ever so Virtuous Virtue signalling: when you express an opinion in public to show your moral superiority and gain approval – without actually taking a significant action. (Isaac) Newton wouldn’t last long as a ‘public intellectual’ in modern American culture. Sooner or later, he would say ‘offensive’ things that get reported to Harvard and that get picked up by mainstream media as moral-outrage clickbait. His eccentric, ornery awkwardness would lead to swift expulsion from academia, social media, and publishing. Result? On the upside, he’d drive some traffic through Huffpost, Buzzfeed, and Jezebel, and people would have a fresh controversy to virtue-signal about on Facebook. On the downside, we wouldn’t have Newton’s Laws of Motion. ― Geoffrey Miller – Gender Neutrality in Canada Gender neutrality is a hot issue is …

The Upside to Absent-mindedness

For some reason there is a malfunction, some disconnect, between my imaginary hello and, well, my actual hello… Just know this: if you have ever passed me in the hall and I appeared to ignore you, it actually wasn’t like that at all… – Stuart McLean, The Vinyl Cafe Notebooks – An imaginary hello. Yes, that describes the greeting I sometimes don’t give. It’s caused (they say) by a condition called absent-mindedness (also spelled  absentmindedness or absent mindedness.) Often, I don’t even know that I’m being absent-minded. On other occasions, it is quite apparent: I search for my glasses and find them on the top of my head or I walk into a room but forget what I came there to do. I don’t think it is something to be stressed about. On the whole, my memory usually runs fairly smoothly and  I’m fairly adept at focusing when I need to. I see the shift into absent-mindedness as something that sets me free to think in abstract or creative ways – (that’s my story, and …

Mildly Amusing Missives #2

Robert Fulghum – Questions and Answers Question: If you could live your life over, what changes would you make? Answer: None. Well, maybe I wouldn’t have eaten some bad oysters, and would forgo the times I had too much wine and was miserably hung over. But otherwise, I’d live it all over again – knowing that the hard and troublesome events almost always led to something good in the long run. Every difficulty contained possibilities for something that proved better. While Canadians wrestle with Environmentalists meddling in Canadian politics and policy… Democrats dig for Russian connection and uncover environmentalists. – Headline in ‘The Hill’, Merrill Matthews – The ‘out of touch bubble’ called Hollywood David O. Selznik, producer of Gone With The Wind, once observed that “It’s somehow symbolic of Hollywood that Tara was just a façade, with no rooms inside.” A Comment About Bitcoin I must say its entertaining watching greens who believe in the imaginary climate crisis condemn the enthusiasm of people who believe in an imaginary currency. – Eric Worrall- Confirmation bias …

Not Fueled by Chocolate

As I slide towards another birthday, I am reminded that increasing age diminishes my ability to shed those extra pounds that cluster around the part of my body that makes me look like a pear. An unfortunate side effect of getting older is that it is getting harder to maintain anything remotely resembling an hour glass figure. A brisk thirty minute walk in the morning and forty-five minutes at the gym after lunch just isn’t enough exercise to make my clothes feel ‘less snug’. I’ve been forced to cut calories too, starting with the ultimate sacrifice – no dark chocolate snacks until the pudginess is brought into submission again. For some indefinite amount of time, my blog writing will ‘Not Be Fueled by Chocolate.’ There are any number of articles and advertisements that suggest how to lose weight (many are for bogus diets or are designed to drain your bank account), but it is only in the last few years that researchers have identified how our body fat makes us fat. With the rise in …

Mildly Amusing Missives #1

When Grammar and Punctuation Walk into a Bar I’ve posted a new series of quotations on my blog, The Quippery. They are  jokes about Walking into a Bar, but the subjects who do the walking are unusual. The Trials of Being Senior The other day, my mom asked Siri to find information on senior self-defense. Siri: “Looking for information on seniors in Depends.” After a couple of such unsuccessful attempts, my mom gave up. – Dawnette Moore Thompson, comment on Mike Rowe’s Facebook Page – A Belated In Memoriam Women loved (Alan) Rickman: He wasn’t movie-star handsome – not Kevin Costner male-lead handsome – but he oozed both a predatory sensuality and a kind of indifferent hauteur and the combination was irresistible. His mesmeric baritone could sound knee-tremblingly sexy when he was asking if you’d like fries with that. – Mark Steyn – To Be, or Not to Be The way to do is to be. — Leo-tzu, Chinese philosopher The way to be is to do. — Dale Carnegie Do be, do be, do. …

The Quippery

Increase Your Chances of Being Right

In “post-fact culture”, where rationality seems to vanish in the storms of lies and conspiracy theories, beliefs about the future are crucial. – Gapminder Data System – Are you smarter than a chimp? Watch this funny, entertaining and encouraging video to see how your knowledge compares to the chimps at the zoo. How much do you know about the world? Hans Rosling, with his famous charts of global population, health and income data (and an extra-extra-long pointer), demonstrates that you have a high statistical chance of being quite wrong about what you think you know. Play along with his audience quiz — then, from Hans’ son Ola, learn 4 ways to quickly get less ignorant. – TED Talk by the Gapminder Founders – What facts surprised you or made you think more positively about the future of the world?

The Quippery

When Do You ‘Put Your Affairs in Order’?

Unless your Doctor has given you notice that your ‘Best Before Date’ is rapidly closing in on your ‘Expiry Date’, you might not have thought about the most important thing you can do for yourself now AND leave for your loved ones when you depart this world. This important thing costs no more than a sheet or two of paper, but it is priceless. It is a List of All the Things you know now – but might not remember later. It is a list of things the Executor of your Estate won’t know until they have rifled through your desk, file cabinet and all sorts of places obvious and obscure – so that they can wrap up your estate and deliver it to your rightful heirs. Think about this: Do you keep your documents in obvious locations like your desk, file cabinet or a shoe box under the bed? Does your family know you also stash important papers in a fake cabbage (or lettuce) in the fridge, a former box for fish cakes in …

Well of Lost Thoughts – 2017

When I find ideas that speak to me, but I’m not ready to blog about them,  I save them on my Fueled by Chocolate ‘Well of Lost Thoughts’ Facebook Page. Here are just a few of the ones I have ‘rescued’ from there to share with you. How Cold was our Christmas this Year? “On Boxing Day, extreme cold warnings were issued for a section of Canada stretching from the Alberta/B.C. border all the way to the St. Lawrence River. That’s a swath of Canada roughly 3,500 km wide.” from the National Post: Mars and the North Pole are warmer than Winnipeg It was -30C (-22F) here at the Red House on Boxing Day (December 26). It takes a lot of fuel to heat our country in the winter – renewable resources are not going to be able to provide that much energy in the near term. In the meantime, we depend on fossil fuels. This video by Corb Lund and the Hurtin’ Albertans, (filmed near Devon, Alberta on May 30, 2004) is a favourite …

The Quippery

Ambushed by the Best Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are sentences that ambush you. They have an unexpected shift in meaning in the latter part of a sentence or phrase – that you didn’t expect from the first part of the sentence. Sometimes they also play on the double meaning of a particular word. Here are some examples that I found on sites about paraprosdokians, or that I’ve chosen because they seem to fit the definition. A fool and his money are soon elected. – Will Rogers – A good cook needs storage, a bad cook needs a dog. – IKEA sign in a store – And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system. – Robert Brault – Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch. – Orson Welles – By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain – Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. – Robert C. Gallagher – Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot …

The Quippery

‘It Takes One to Know One’ Department

Do you read the comments that come after Internet news articles? Some commenters (usually anonymous) are extremely mean and abusive! Their attacks seem like the online version of a school yard bully. Here  are a few comments I read at the end of just one Canadian news story this morning: …You are a fool. …Hope you idiots are pleased with yourselves. …You don’t have a clue yourself. …BS… espoused by utter MORONS …And we still have an idiot at the helm. …One by one the poor saps who were taken in …greasy, sleazy, slimy selfie king …Nuth’n finer than a far left nutter sputtering …another leftwing(confused) doofus of questionable mental acuity …The big, stammering idiot with the dumb expression When we were kids, we would respond to a verbal bully by saying, “Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names will never hurt us.” (But the names still hurt…) Or we would taunt back, “It takes one to know one!” These responses have no effect on the cyberbully. They carry a shield of anonymity:  …

The Quippery

Mysterious Baskets and Magic Gas Tanks

The Car Guy says we have a mysterious laundry basket at our house too. On the flip side, I have a car with a magic gas tank! When the tank is almost empty, I just put the car in the garage, and the next time I drive it, the tank is full again! Have you experienced any inexplicable events like this? Post 550

ocean rocks trees

Over the Top Writing Makes me do Just the Opposite

You’ve probably seen some of these ‘over the top’ words in Post Titles on the internet. They are supposed to be so enticing that you will click through to read the story. Here are some of the most common superlatives: Utterly Strangest Outrageous Amazing Groundbreaking Truth Astonishing Incredible Bombshell Awesomely Stunning Unbelievable (or You Won’t Believe Your Eyes) Insanely Gorgeous Impossible Absolutely Unbeatable You’ll Never Guess Ridiculous or Jaw Dropping for stories, that will Blow you away Be to Die For Take Your Breath Away Change Your World Freak You Out because well, OMG – This is Genius!!! This style of writing has just the opposite effect on me – I simply refuse to click through to read it. Just this once, though, I’m going to use words from the list above to describe my photos for this week’s WordPress Photo Challenge (which is Opposites.) These photos were taken on a trip to the Hawaiian Islands. OMG! The scenery was to die for! My jaw dropped as I watched the waves crash onto the rocks. …

snow pink flower

Wishing for Weather – I Said Rain – not Snow!

Towards the end of our stay in Arizona, I saw a TV commercial that made me long for a rainy day. An off road vehicle was driving up a winding mountain road. A light rain was falling. I remembered how fresh the air could feel and how wonderful the forest could smell after a rain!  In contrast, Phoenix Arizona was dry desert heat that could possibly fry an egg on the hood of the neighbour’s car. A few days later, we were on our way back to Alberta. Our first stop was the Grand Canyon. We arrived late in the afternoon, and spent several hours walking along the rim taking pictures. Dark clouds to both the east and west hinted that a storm was brewing. My rainy day was very near! I woke the next morning (my birthday) to a steady drizzle. I marveled that The Car Guy was able to deliver such a great present on my birthday. As we drove back to the Grand Canyon, I got whiffs of fresh air and fragrant …

The Quippery

Local Libraries, Books and the Guerrilla Librarian

In ‘The Alphabet and Good Intentions’ I explained the rather unique book filing system that our local librarians use. On occasion, this drives me to distraction – so last week I kind of refiled all the John Grisham’s. Now his books are in two locations instead of four. I suppose I could ask to be a volunteer at this library, but I’ve met a few of the other volunteers, and they are not a very flexible group of women, (either in the way they run the library, or in their ability to reach to the top and bottom shelves – they are quite a bit older than me…).  I have decided I am much more suited to being a guerrilla librarian. I found other references to just this kind of activity: “…Maxwell had also found a vocation of sorts, unpaid but satisfying, even addicting. He moved library books.” Though the author of this story isn’t stated, the blog post with the rest of the story is here, and it is quite fun:  Swiss Army Librarian. …

Time and My Clock Walls – So Late So Soon

How time has changed!  When I was young, a clock had hands and you learned how to ‘tell time’. We had only a few clocks in our house. One was in the kitchen, and I suppose there was an alarm clock for my parental units (but I don’t remember ever hearing it ring.) I didn’t really pay attention to what time is was. Grown-ups did that for me. I just did what they told me to do when they told me to do it – mostly. If no one was telling me where to be or what to do, I let the sun and a rumble in my stomach guide me. Today we are surrounded by clocks. They reside in every conceivable appliance. This has a cost though – a microwave oven can consume more electricity powering its digital clock than it does heating food! Of course, most wall clocks are battery powered – but  how much do you spend on batteries in a year? How many clocks do you have to reset when Daylight …

The Quippery

Security – A New Year – Time for New Passwords!

Happy New Year to you all! Do you have a List of Resolutions? Thought about adding ‘New Passwords’ to that list? In 2011, The Car Guy’s Yahoo Mail account sent out invitations to most of his contacts to use Viagra. After hours of looking for a breach, I realized that the account had been hacked through Yahoo itself. We secured the account with a new password, but the whole episode was a good reminder of why it is a good idea to change passwords frequently, and have different passwords for different accounts. Strong passwords are also highly recommended. Some sites require specific combinations, though not quite as rigorous as this password protocol that I made up: The Car Guy and I developed and memorized a few mnemonic phrases. They form the first part of our passwords. The second part of each password varies from site to site. We’ve memorized most of them, but keep them all in a database (without the mnemonic part) for those days when we can’t find our car keys, let alone …

The Quippery

Housework is Exercise – Get Dusting!

The 1998 poem “Dust If You Must” by Rose Milligan is going around the internet again. It starts with: Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better To paint a picture, or write a letter, Bake a cake, or plant a seed; Ponder the difference between want and need? Of course, painting and writing and pondering are quite sedentary activities. Cleaning is almost as good as going to the gym! An hour of sitting only burns 34 calories. An hour of vacuuming burns 170 calories. An hour of food preparation and cooking uses only 68 calories. An hour of dusting and tidying burns 136 calories! It’s all in the attitude — housework is exercise. Slim your way to a clean home, clean your way to a slim body! -Terri Guillemets – When I first got a macro lens and was discovering all sorts of interesting ‘little’ things, I got a closer look at the dust on a table top. Where did that dust come from, and what might it be made of? According to …

The Best Puns Ever – Let’s Taco ’bout Them

A Pun is a type of word play where a phrase or sentence suggests two or more meanings. This could occur when one of the words has more than one meaning, or when one or more of the words sounds very similar to another word or words. Some people say puns are the lowest form of wit, but I really admire people who have the mental agility to think of them! ‘Chip ‘n Other Chip’ liked the ‘nacho’ and ‘taco’ pun the best! The following examples are my favourites. A A backward poet writes inverse. A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew have been marooned. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. A dog breeder crossed a setter and a pointer at Christmas time and got a pointsetter. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A Freudian slip is when you say …

The Quippery

Fly Air New Zealand

There are two critical points in every aerial flight—its beginning and its end. — Alexander Graham Bell, 1906 – Trouble in the air is very rare. It is hitting the ground that causes it. — Amelia Earhart, 20 Hrs 40 Mins 1928. – You land a million planes safely, then you have one little mid-air and you never hear the end of it … — Air Traffic Controller, New York TRACON, Westbury Long island. Opening quotation in the 1999 movie Pushing Tin – Don’t you wish all airlines were so creative!? Post 437