Alcohol and Soft Drink Quotations

Beer

The Quippery

Alternative Energy: A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drank an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
– Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader –

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
– Stephen Wright –

Canada has many competitive advantages in making world class beers: proximity to malt barley, large fresh water supply, educated workforce and more than 10 million local beer drinkers.
– Beer Canada –

I always do my best thinking over a glass of beer. Two heads are better than one.
– From the Best of Bridge –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
– Irwin Corey –

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
– Dave Barry –

When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.
– Samuel Butler –

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry –

Other Alcohol

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemingway –

Always remember, Clemmie, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

Because you are wrong, you know, when you say that drink is a disease. It is the nostrum of the lost, the panacea of the unhappy. They drink to drown their sorrows, and because sorrows, alas, know how to swim, they must drink deeper and ever deeper.
– Katherine Roy –

Buck and Ear Pub
– Fun Pun Name found on the internet –

But I’m not so think as you drunk I am.
– Sir J.C. Squire –

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
– Author Unknown –

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin –

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met or why they’re dead.
– Laura Kightliner –

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.
– Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker –

I’ll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
– Hawkeye – M*A*S*H 1973 –

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
– George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? –

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman –

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
-Author Unknown –

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine –

That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
– Charles Bukowski, Women –

There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.
– Stephen King –

To be safe on the Fourth
Don’t buy a fifth on the third.
– James H. Muehlbauer –

When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.
– Paul Clisura –

You can’t drown your sorrows; they know how to swim.
– Gladiola Montana, short version of quotation by Katherine Roy –

Soft Drinks

A hotel mini bar allows you to see what a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years.
– Rich Hall –

Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
– David Letterman –

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– Author Unknown –

Livin’ is like pourin’ water out of a tumbler into a dang Coca-Cola bottle. If’n you skeered you can’t do it, you cain’t. If’n you say to yourself, “By dang, I can do it!” then, by dang, you won’t slosh a drop.
– Olive Ann Burns –

Make no bones about it, soft drinks are taking over. If the soda industry has its way, kids will be pouring Coke over their Count Chocula.
– Author Unknown –

There are things in American culture that want to wipe the class distinction. Blue jeans. Ready-made clothes. Coca-Cola.
– Leslie Fiedler –

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
– Lewis Grizzard –

What’s great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest.
– Andy Warhol –

Dessert and Candy Quotations

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
– Author Unknown –

A bag of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. “You want to be careful with those,” Ron warned Harry. “When they say every flavor, they mean every flavor – you know, you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate and peppermint and marmalade, but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. George reckons he had a booger-flavored one once.”
Ron picked up a green bean, looked at it carefully, and bit into a corner.
“Bleaaargh – see? Sprouts.”
– J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone –

After you’ve eaten all the raw cookie dough, you might as well turn off the oven.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
– Jim Fiebig –

A party without cake is just a meeting.
– Julia Child –

Cheese popcorn is not a dairy product.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Dessert should close the meal gently and not in a pyrotechnic blaze of glory. No cultivated feeder, already well fed, thanks his host for confronting him with a dessert so elaborate that not to eat it is simply rude – like refusing to watch one’s host blow up Bloomingdale’s.
– Alan Koehler, ‘Madison Avenue Cook Book’ –

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250.
– Author Unknown –

Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec.
– J. Hart –

I doubt whether the world holds for anyone a more soul-stirring surprise than the first adventure with ice cream.
– Heywood Broun –

I prefer to regard a dessert as I would imagine the perfect woman: subtle, a little bittersweet, not blowsy and extrovert. Delicately made up, not highly rouged. Holding back, not exposing everything and, of course, with a flavor that lasts.
– Graham Kerr –

Life is like an 6-slice apple pie at a 12-guest dinner banquet. If you just sit back and wait for it to come to you, chances are, you’re going to miss dessert.
– Donald L. Hicks, Look into the stillness –

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
– Ernestine Ulmer –

Man at bakery: Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out. But I can usually sedate him with four or five doughnuts.
– Author Unknown –

Mousse: How pudding describes itself on its résumé!
– Last Week Tonight with John Oliver –

One gloomy spring day my wife, who seldom bakes, asked our three year old daughter if she’d like to help her bake some cookies. Kaylah looked up at her mom in surprise and asked, “Is it Christmas again?”
– Jamey Gormley –

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over –

Question: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Answer: A cookie sheet.
– Author Unknown –

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
-Erma Bombeck –

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!
– Author Unknown –

These days, you never know what’s going to happen next. Ergo, eat your dessert first.
– Author Unknown –

Think what a better world it would be if we all had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap.
– Robert Fulghum –

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate the eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.
– Gracie Allen –

We dare not trust our wit for making our house pleasant to our friend, so we buy ice cream.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson –

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.
– Jim Davis –

You can say this for ready-mixes — the next generation isn’t going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make.
– Earl Wilson –

You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.
– Ronald Reagan –

Breakfast Quotations

The Quippery

Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
– Author Unknown –

(President ) Bill Clinton’s foreign policy experience stems mainly from having breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.
– Pat Buchanan –

Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.
– Fran Lebowitz –

If it’s not chocolate, it’s not breakfast.
– Laini Taylor –

If you want breakfast in bed tomorrow, sleep in the kitchen tonight.
– Author Unknown –

I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?
– Jeff Lindsay, Dearly Devoted Dexter –

I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
– Demetri Martin –

In Wilson’s scale of evaluations, breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality.
– Robert A. Heinlein, By His Bootstraps –

I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don’t require so much cooking.
– Carrie Snow –

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
– Steven Wright –

I’ve been finding things in the forest,” said Tigger importantly. “I’ve found a pooh and a piglet and an eeyore, but I can’t find any breakfast.
– A.A. Milne –

Men are very strange. When they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have these recipes.
– Elayne Boosler –

Norman Carter revealed that he had perfected a method of cooking pancakes on the bottom of an iron. “Steam irons are no good,” he explained. “The batter gets into the little holes.”
– Author Unknown –

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
– Robert Orben –

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
– A.P. Herbert –

The difference between involvement and commitment is like a ham and eggs breakfast. The chicken was involved – the pig committed.
– Author Unknown –

There are some days where I forget to eat the entire day, and then there are days where I have first breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, third breakfast, tea, dinner, soupsies, supper, night lunch, midnight snack and one-in-the-morning snack.
– Author Unknown –

There’s something about getting up at 5 a.m., feeding the stock and chickens, and milking a couple of cows before breakfast that gives you a lifelong respect for the price of butter and eggs.
– Bill Vaughan –

What is my loftiest ambition? I’ve always wanted to throw an egg into an electric fan.
– Oliver Herford –

When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
– Winston Churchill –

“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “what’s the first thing you say to yourself?”
“What’s for breakfast?” said Pooh. “What do you say, Piglet?”
“I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
“It’s the same thing,” he said.
– A.A. Milne –

Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
– Lewis Carroll –