Weight and Diet Quotations

The Quippery

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
– Alexander Woodcott –

Amazing. You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
– Author Unknown –

Ewes not fat, ewes fluffy.
– Author Unknown –

I am in shape. Round is a shape.
– Author Unknown –

I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, “How about a week in Bangladesh?”
– Roseanne Barr –

I figured out Victoria’s secret. Starvation and liposuction.
– Mel Fine –

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.
– Elmer Rice –

I hate 4 letter words… diet – dust – cook – wash – iron.
– Author Unknown –

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.
– Author Unknown –

I’m fat, but I’m thin inside. Has it ever struck you that there’s a thin man inside every fat man, just as they say there’s a statue inside every block of stone.
– George Orwell –

I’m not fat! Just a little hippoglycemic.
– Author Unknown –

I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.
– Shelley Winters –

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
– Author Unknown –

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
– Ellen DeGeneres –

Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.
I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls.
– J.K. Rowling –

I put on the fat suit and went outside and walked around. I was really nervous about being found out, but nobody would even make eye contact with me. It really upset me.
We feel it’s unacceptable to be fat, when it has nothing to do with who the person actually is.
– Gwyneth Paltrow –

I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
– Erma Bombeck –

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is fourteen days.
– Totie Fields –

My body knows what I shouldn’t eat – but usually doesn’t tell me until after I’ve eaten it.
– Ashleigh Brilliant –

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
– Dan Bennett –

Reality is the woman who got out of your bed this morning and recognized that the figure in the mirror may never be rated a perfect 10 or even a size 10.
– Jan Larkey –

Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales.
– Paul Sweeney –

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat.
– Author Unknown –

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books — how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.
– Andy Rooney –

The lunches of fifty-seven years had caused his chest to slip down into the mezzanine floor.
– P.G. Wodehouse –

This morning, in 1976, Stephanie (Fats) Stumflug found she had granolaed herself right out of her caftan. Couldn’t pry it on with a shoehorn. The trouble – she explained to anyone who would listen – was that the side of the granola box said only 125 calories per ounce, but the pretty picture showed a generous bowlful… actually about 5 ounces, if she’d ever weighed a generous bowlful, but she never did. “I might have known,” she said bitterly. “You can’t trust anything that tastes good.”
– Peg Bracken –

Time, obviously, is relative. Two weeks on a vacation is not the same as two weeks on a diet.
– Author Unknown –

Unnecessary dieting is because everything from television to fashion ads has made it seem wicked to cast a shadow. This wild emaciated look appeals to some women, though not to many men, who are seldom seen pinning up a Vogue illustration in a machine shop.
– Peg Bracken –

Age Quotations

13-happy-hour

30 is a nice age for a woman – especially if she happens to be 40.
– Author Unknown –

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
– Author Unknown –

Age is not important unless you’re a cheese.
– Helen Hayes –

Age lets you be the person you would have been, if you hadn’t been so busy being the person you were earlier in life.
– Margy –

Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.
– Douglas MacArthur –

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
– Jim Fiebig –

Age is like the newest version of a software — it has a bunch of great new features but you lost all the cool features the original version had.
– Carrie Latet –

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie, news summaries, 9 March 1954 –

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.
– Erma Bombeck –

As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
– author Unknown –

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.
– Ann Landers (1918-2002) –

At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.
– George Orwell –

At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.
– George Burns –

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

By the time I’d grown up, I naturally supposed that I’d grown up.
– Eve Babitz –

Don’t panic, 40 is only 11 in scrabble
– Author Unknown –

Don’t regret growing old. It’s a privilege denied to many.
– 60 Minutes –

Forget health food. I’m at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get.
– Author Unknown –

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
– Chili Davis –

Here I am, fifty eight, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
– Peter Drucker –

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?
– Satchel Paige –

I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
– Author Unknown –

I am long on ideas, but short on time. I expect to live to be only about a hundred.
– Thomas Alva Edison –

If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.
– Author Unknown –

I’m old enough to know better and I’m still too young to care.
– Wade Hayes –

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
– Jennifer Yane –

It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
– Brigitte Bardot –

It is possible at any age to discover a lifelong desire you never knew you had.
– Robert Brault –

I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don’t want to do them.
– Lady Nancy Astor –

I was 29 until I became 65.
-Aleta Williams, 82, Columnist, The Evening News, Pictou County

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
– Erma Bombeck –

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier.
– Dan Bennett –

Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.
– Bennett Cerf –

Middle age is that time of life when you can feel bad in the morning without having had fun the night before.
– Author Unknown –

Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom.
– Author Unknown –

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
– Author Unknown –

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
– Joseph E. Cossman –

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
– Ogden Nash –

Mid-life means that you become more reflective…You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?”
– Author Unknown –

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
– Bette Davis –

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes –

Old guys: more and more intelligence focused on smaller and smaller problems.
– John Jerome –

One of the best things about getting older: knowing someone is an asshole before they even speak.
– Author Unknown –

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns how to be amused rather than shocked.
– Pearl S. Buck –

Remember, if forty-five is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of a woman’s second adulthood.
– Gail Sheehy –

Someday us old folks will use cursive writing as a secret code.
– Author Unknown –

The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped.
– Arthur Schopenhauer –

The elderly don’t drive that badly; they’re just the only ones with time to do the speed limit.
– Jason Love –

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
– Author Unknown –

The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven’t changed in seventy or eighty years. Your body changes, but you don’t change at all. And that, of course, causes great confusion.
– Doris Lessing –

The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.
– Madeleine L’Engle –

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
– Helen Hayes –

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
– Oscar Wilde

The older I get, the simpler the definition of maturity seems: It’s the length of time between when I realize someone is a jackass and when I tell them that they’re one.
– Brett Butler –

The older you get, the more important it is not to act your age.
– Ashleigh Brilliant –

There is no pleasure worth forgoing, just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
– John Mortimer –

There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
– Author Unknown –

The secret of staying younger is to live honestly, eat slowly, and just lie about your age.
– Lucille Ball –

The youth gathers together his materials to build a bridge to the moon… and at length, the middle-age man concludes to build a woodshed with them.
– Henry David Thoreau –

Today we are younger than we are going to be tomorrow.
– Harvey H. Potthoff –

To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent – that is to triumph over old age.
– Thomas Bailey Aldrich –

To me, old age is 15 years older than I am.
– Bernard M. Baruch –

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers –

When the problem is not so much resisting temptation as finding it, you may just be getting older.
– Author Unknown –

Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
– Tom Wilson –

With 60 staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and a definite hardening of the paragraphs.
– James Thurber –

Years ago we discovered the exact point, the dead centre of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
– Franklin P. Adams –

You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
– Author Unknown –

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
– Bob Hope –

You know you’re getting old when you’re more attractive hanging upside down.
– Cathy Ladman –

You know you’re getting older when happy hour is a nap.
– Author Unknown –

You know you’re growing old when… the gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife… your back goes out more than you do… your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by… you sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going… everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work… the gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
– Author Unknown –

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
– Author Unknown –

You’re middle-aged if you can remember when radios plugged in, and toothbrushes didn’t.
– Author Unknown –

Health and Disease Quotations

The QuipperyCancer

An adult friend asked Christina what she would like for her eighth birthday. The small child, diagnosed with neuroblastoma, rubbed her hand over her bald head, then rested her face in her hands and said, “I don’t know. I have two sticker books and a Cabbage Patch doll. I have everything. (Christina, age 12, Alpena, Michigan)
– Erma Bombeck, I Want to Grow Hair, I Want to Grow Up, I Want to go to Boise – Children Surviving Cancer –

Although the strain had been building slowly in both of us, particularly over the seven months of chemotherapy, we both came unraveled rather abruptly …It seemed that one day we were fine, and then the next day life came apart at the seams like a cheap suit.
– Ken & Treya Wilber –

Bert was 5 years old and fighting neuroblastoma. He loved to draw. One day when he was asked, “Are you going to be an artist when you grow up?” he said indignantly, “I am an artist.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Cancer is a great wake-up call. A call to take the tag off the new lingerie and wear that black lacy slip. To open the box of pearls and put them on. To crack open the bath oil beads before they shrivel up in a bowl on the toilet tank.
– Regina Brett –

Cancer is not a sentence, just a word.
– John R. McFarland, from Now That I have Cancer I am Whole –

Cancer is part of my life. But it’s only my body that has cancer all the time. It’s okay for my spirit to be free from it once in a while.
– John Robert McFarland –

Cancer patients are notorious emotion suppressors. We’re like the man who caught the porcupine under a tub. You’ve got a darn mad porcupine under there, and no idea which way it’ll come out if you don’t hold it down. So you just keep sitting on the tub.
– John Robert McFarland –

Cancer’s like that, isn’t it? It’s a lens slipped down in front of our eyes. Suddenly there’s a whole new world to see. It’s a strange new world, frightening in it’s strangeness, but there’s a certain clarity, a point of focus, in all that newness.
– John Robert McFarland –

Crystal of Grass Valley, California, who at age three had the perception to observe hospital procedure and said, “These people don’t know what they’re doing. They put blood in me one day and take it out another.”
– Erma Bombeck –

I got Ken and we both stood in front of the mirror, looking at each other, both completely bald. What a sight. “My God,” Ken said, “we look like the melon section in a supermarket. Promise me one thing: we’ll never go bowling.”
– Ken & Treya Wilber –

I have been quoted as saying, “There are just some things you don’t poke fun at.” I was wrong. Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most and rewards you for your courage.
– Erma Bombeck –

I scan the room. I pray for each of them in turn. I try to speak with my eyes, spirit to spirit, saying, I’ve got a little extra strength today; take it, and use it.
– John Robert McFarland –

I see my tumour giving me certain freedoms I never allowed myself.
– William Hurt –

I stopped evaluating my body and began to draw strength from it.
– Arthur W. Frank –

It brings with it the loneliness of being cut off from friends, the risks and anger that each day brings for their survival, and the inevitable prayer, “When can I go home and pick up my life as it was?”
– Erma Bombeck –

It will come as a shock to no one that cancer isn’t something you put on your “List of Things to Do Today.”
– Erma Bombeck –

The cancer is a part of me that has run amok, but it is still a part of me, for all that. In trying to destroy cancer cells, I am also attempting to destroy a part of me. Some of me has to die if the rest of me is to live. The only way I can be more whole is if I am less whole.
– John Robert McFarland –

The healthy require health as an affirmation that their will is still effective, and they must continually prove this effectiveness. The ill accept their vulnerability as an affirmation that the world is perfect without any exercise of their will, and this acceptance is their freedom… I still did not know how to enjoy health without making it a condition of my life. We are free only when we no longer require health, however much we may prefer it.
– Arthur W. Frank –

They reminded me of candles in the wind who accept the possibility that at best they are in danger of being extinquished by a gust of wind from nowhere and yet, as they flicker and dance to remain alive, their brilliance challenges the darkness and dazzles those of us who watch their light.
– Erma Bombeck –

They were little people whom destiny had tapped on the shoulder and announced, “We interrupt this life to bring you a message of horror.”
– Erma Bombeck –

We might get past the stage of being a cancer patient, being treated, perhaps even being tested, but I suspect we never stop being a cancer person. There’s always a piece of the mind that remembers, and wonders.
– John Robert McFarland –

We’re not talking E.T. here, who had a planet to go home to where everyone is hairless and has sixteen-inch fingers. We’re talking about THIS planet where kids dedicate their lives to their hair.
– Erma Bombeck –

What happens in our bodies with the onset of cancer may be out of our control, but what happens in our hearts is not.
– John Robert McFarland –

When three-year old Carrie’s blond curls were all gone and little fuzz was starting to grow back, she observed with curiosity her father’s balding head as he bent over to tie her shoe. “Daddy,” she asked, “is your hair coming or going?”
– Erma Bombeck –

You show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet.
– George Carlin –

Colds and Flu

I am at the moment deaf in the ears, hoarse in the throat, red in the nose, green in the gills, damp in the eyes, twitchy in the joints and fractious in temper from a most intolerable and oppressive cold.
– Charles Dickens –

I hate winter flu outbreak! My wife felt so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
– WWW.LeFunny.net –

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg me to stop! When I am finished you will be weak for days.
Sincerely The Flu.
– Author Unknown –

No. You aren’t dying. You have the flu.
– Author Unknown –

Of course, we don’t know how the bird flu situation will turn out. But, I see no strong reasons we won’t see a three to four dollar (per hundredweight) seasonal cattle rally in the first quarter.
– Dan Vaught –

Some people with coughs go to bed. Some go to doctors. Most, however, go to symphony concerts.
– Author Unknown –

The flu, in a nutshell: At First I was afraid I was gonna die. Now I’m afraid I won’t.
– Author Unknown –

Way to stand your ground on the whole “flu shot is a scam” bit. Call me when your lungs have drained.
– Author Unknown –

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For Bird Flu you need tweetment and for Swine Flu you need oinkment.
– SMSQuotesimage.com –

Heart

I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
– Joan Rivers –

“Sorry to hear about your Dad.”
He shrugged. “He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him.”
“Heart attack?”
“He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.”
– J.A. Konrath –

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
– Demetri Martin –

Memory

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
– Author Unknown –

Age doesn’t make you forgetful. Having way too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.
– Maxine –

Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what’s been stolen.
– Jarod Kintz –

Destinasia – get to where you were going and forget why you were going there.
– Author Unknown –

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
– Author Unknown –

I had amnesia once — or twice.
– Author Unknown –

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
– SnarkECards –

Other

As a quadripelegic, she can’t even manoevre her chair around to the music in some semblance of dancing. Proving that life is truly relative, she says wistfully, “Parapelegics are so lucky. They can do practically anything in a wheelchair.”
– Author Unknown –

I don’t deserve this, but then, I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
– Jack Benny on getting an award –

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
– Author Unknown –

If I’d known I was going to live so long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
– Leon Eldred –

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
– Steven Wright –

If you do everything you should do, and do not do anything you should not do, you will, according to the best available statistics, live exactly eighteen hours longer than you would otherwise.
– Logan Clendening –

If you get colored contacts, make sure it’s a color that exists in nature.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

If your access to health care involves your leaving work and driving somewhere and parking and waiting for a long time, that’s not going to promote healthiness.
– Larry Page –

It doesn’t matter what the disease is. There’s always room for hope. I’m not going to die because of statistics. I hope you won’t either.
– Bernie S. Siegel –

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Snore and you sleep alone.
– Anthony Burgess –

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
– Doug Larson –

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
– Dave Barry –

Patient being examined by her doctor who says, “We don’t know as much as we’d like to about migraine headaches. Why don’t we treat you for something else?”
– Lisa Shea –

Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
– Jonathan Katz –

Sir, My local branch of Boots can’t even organize it’s sandwiches into logical categories, so I am certainly not letting them anywhere near my eyes with a laser. Does the 20 minutes include the time queueing to pay?
– John Turner –

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
– Mark Twain –

To live every day as if it had been stolen from death, that is how I would like to live… To separate oneself from the burden, the angst, the anguish that we all encounter every day. To say I am alive, I am wonderful, I am. I am. That is something to aspire to.
– Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain –

We must realize that people aren’t “living” or “dying”, they are either alive or dead. As long as they are alive, we must treat them that way.
– Dr. Bernie Siegel –

We’re not like a TV set, which, when it blows one part, it’s finished. Margaret had almost everything blow, but she kept on, she continued to struggle. I lost my fear of my body. I know now that it will struggle to keep me alive. I have a much stronger sense of myself as being safe in the Universe.
– June Callwood Callwood, June Twelve Weeks in Spring –

Women’s Health

It’s important that you meet Cora in the examination room at her gynecologists. There’s always something intimidating about the place. Maybe it’s because you’re sitting in a chilled room in a paper dress (you’ve set drinks on a bigger piece of paper) waiting to discuss intimate things with a man who is two years younger than your cookie sheet.
– Erma Bombeck –

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
– Roseanne Barr –