Farming Quotations

Cows

The Quippery

If happiness truly consisted in physical ease and freedom from care, then the happiest individual would not be either a man or a woman; it would be, I think, an American cow.
– William Lyon Phelps –

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
– Will Rogers –

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.”
– Ogden Nash, Free Wheeling –

The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
– John McNulty –

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticed this and asked the bull, “Why didn’t you fall down like the rest of the herd.” The bull replied, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
– Author Unknown –

To err is human; To moo is bovine.
– Author Unknown –

Tongue — a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of a dead cow.
– Bob Ekstrom –

Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said, “I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?
– Bill Watterson –

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
-Author Unknown –

Horses

An old friend once told me that if you were given a barn full of manure to shovel out, it was a tremendous idea to keep in mind that a pony had to be in there somewhere.
– Peter Jensen –

Don’t give your sons money. Give them horses. Many a good son has been ruined through the acquisition of money but no good son has been ruined through the acquisition of horses. Unless they fell and broke their neck, which when taken at the gallop is a very good death to die.
– Winston Churchill –

For the most part, I’d say if you crossed a cat with a smart dog, made him a matriarchal vegetarian, gave him sleek beauty, a mass of muscle, and the desire to run, then what you’d have is a horse.
– Tom Spanbauer –

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
– W.C. Fields –

If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.
– Author Unknown –

Ride the horse in the direction it’s going.
– Werner Erhard –

The horse knows. If you know, he knows. He also knows if you don’t know.
– Ray Hunt –

There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse’s hooves: If one of the horse’s hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there’s probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you’re looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse.
– Terry Pratchett –

What did the mamma horse say to the baby horse?
It’s pasture bed time.
– Author Unknown –

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him participate in synchronized diving.
– Cuthbert Soup –

Farming

Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from the corn field.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower –

John Deere, I’m leaving you. In Case you don’t know why, it’s because my cousin Oliver told me you were messing around with Allis-Chalmers. I can’t believe I thought you were on the Farmall those times.
– Author Unknown –

It was always my belief that farmers developed strange theories of cause and effect because they spent too much time alone. A combination of incomplete information and a lack of critical review led to some odd conclusions. In the early days of farming, a reinforcing factor in all this was that horses seemed willing to accept almost any theory if it was accompanied by oats. It was a closed circle.
– Leonard G. Lee, Lee Valley Tools –

There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm. One is the danger of supposing that breakfast comes from the grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace.
– Aldo Leopold, A Sand County Almanac –

We Prairie folks figure crop circles are a sign that 1. there are other intelligent beings in the universe and 2. they’re farmers.
– Mike O’Brien –

You can make a small fortune in farming-provided you start with a large one.
– Author Unknown –

Pigs

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
– George Bernard Shaw –

I never met a pig I didn’t like. All pigs are intelligent, emotional, and sensitive souls. They all love company. They all crave contact and comfort. Pigs have a delightful sense of mischief; most of them seem to enjoy a good joke and appreciate music. And that is something you would certainly never suspect from your relationship with a pork chop.
– Sy Montgomery –

It’s no good running a pig farm badly for thirty years while saying, “Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer.” By that time, pigs will be your style.
– Quentin Crisp –

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
– Alfred Hitchcock –

Poultry

Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.
– Aesop Fables, The Milkmaid and her Pail –

Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
– William Jennings Bryan –

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
– Author Unknown –

The cocks may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the egg.
– Margaret Thatcher –

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
– Mark Twain –

The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.
– Martina Navratilova –

You can be a rooster one day and a feather duster the next.
– Frank McManus –

Sheep

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.
– Author Unknown –

Taxation: how the sheep are shorn.
– Edward Abbey –

The herd instinct among forecasters makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
– Edgar Fiedler –

Where does virgin wool come from? The sheep that runs the fastest.
– Harry F. Banks –

Weather and Seasons Quotations

The Quippery

A country church – the only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash.
– Author Unknown –

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
– Carl Reiner –

American: We get an awful lot of cold waves from Canada. Can’t we weatherstrip the border?
– Author Unknown –

Antisthenes says that in a certain faraway land the cold is so intense that words freeze as soon as they are uttered, and after some time then thaw and become audible, so that words spoken in winter go unheard until the next summer.
– Plutarch, Moralia –

A thin grey fog hung over the city, and the streets were very cold; for summer was in England.
– Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed –

Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.
– Doug Larson –

Autumn — wheezy, sneezy, freezy.
Winter — slippy, drippy, nippy.
Spring — showery, flowery, bowery.
Summer — hoppy, croppy, poppy.
– John Brady, Clavis Calendaria –

Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
– Tom Lehrer –

Boy I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already.
– Bill Watterson –

Bus stop, wet day, she’s there, I say, Please share my umbrella.
– The Hollies –

Canadian Seasons have been described as: Six months of winter, and six months of poor sledding. These can be broken down into: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction season. To be more specific, the four seasons are: June, July, August and Winter.
– Author Unknown –

Don’t knock the weather; nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.
– Ken Hubbard –

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
– Don Marquis –

Frosty days and ice-still nights,
Fir trees trimmed with tiny lights,
– Jo Geis, Christmas Long Ago –

I believe that in India “cold weather” is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
– Mark Twain –

I doubt if I can explain the psychic lift of that first distant honk in the spring, when the passage of the geese seems roughly akin to the arrival of the cavalry just as the Indians are foreclosing on the wagon train.
– John Jerome –

If I were running the world I would have it rain only between 2 and 5 A.M. Anyone who was out then ought to get wet.
– William Lyon Phelps –

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
– Author Unknown –

It’s my least favorite season of the year, bathing-suit season. I don’t know why we can’t all be shaped like those eighteen-year-old boys they design those suits for.
– Diane Ford –

It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.
– P.D. James, A Taste for Death –

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
– Charles Dickens –

If summer weekends are for rest and relaxation, how come they invented all that lawn-care equipment?
– Author Unknown –

If the Weather Stone is wet – it is raining.
If the Weather Stone has a shadow – it is sunny.
If the Weather Stone is moving – it is windy.
If the Weather Stone has white stuff on top – it is snowing.
If the Weather Stone is hard to see – it is foggy.
If the Weather Stone is gone – it was either a tornado or a flood.
– Author Unknown –

I wield the flail of the lashing hail,
And whiten the green plains under,
And then again I dissolve it in rain,
And laugh as I pass in thunder.
– Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Cloud –

Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
– Susan Ertz –

New snow lays down a clean sheet of paper, and the wildlife – the above-snow creatures, anyway – write on it.
– John Jerome –

Oh, it’s forty below in the winter
And it’s twenty below in the fall
And it rises to zero in springtime
And we don’t get no summer at all.
– Author Unknown –

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we’ve no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
– Lyricist Sammy Cahn, composer Jule Styne – 1945 –

Partly cloudy forecast – Half-a-nice day.
Lawn sprinkler – A dew it yourself system.
– Norm Dvoskin –

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together.
– Author Unknown –

so much depends upon
a red wheel barrow
glazed with rain water
beside the white chickens.
– William Carlos Williams –

Storms come, and are so personal, they seem to know your address and have the key to your house.
– Reverend Jesse Jackson –

Summers always fly – winters walk.
– Charles M. Schulz –

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is exhilarating; there is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.
– Ruskin –

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?
– J.B. Priestley –

The glory of springtime is the same to all. But there are many different points of view. A child sees it best from the middle of a mud puddle.
– Pearl Swiggum –

The leaves fall, the wind blows, and the farm country slowly changes from the summer cottons into its winter wools.
– Henry Beston –

The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
– Dave Barry –

The principal function of March is to use up the winter weather that wouldn’t fit into February.
– Doug Larson –

The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.
– Willie Tyler –

The latest authority among men of science says that little is known of the causes which balance the clouds in the air. They are formed of water, and water, however minutely divided or blown into bubbles, is always heavier than the air. And yet these flying fountains of all the rivers of earth, these armed and thundering legions of the storm, that beat down the forests with hail and bury the mountains in snow, and flood the plains with water, go floating over us at vast heights with all their mighty magazines when all our philosophy would require them to sink to the earth.
– Daniel March, “The Balancings of the Clouds,” Our Father’s House, or the Unwritten Word, 1869 –

The size of the flakes made them fall slowly, softly, no damage done, the world getting its moisture via a pile of feathers.
– John Jerome –

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
– Patrick Young –

There are seasons in life. Don’t ever let anyone try to deny you the joy of one season because they believe you should stay in another season… Listen to yourself. Trust your instincts. Keep your perspective.
– Jane Clayson –

There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds.
– G.K. Chesterton –

There are two seasonal diversions that can ease the bite of any winter. One is the January thaw. The other is the seed catalogues.
– Hal Borland –

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
– George Carlin –

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
– Texas Bix Bender –

Until I came to Canada I never knew ‘snow’ was a four letter word.
-Alberto Manguel-

When Paul Bunyan’s loggers roofed an Oregon bunkhouse with shakes, fog was so thick that they shingled forty feet into space before discovering they had passed the last rafter.
– Oregon: End of the Trail, “Tall Tales and Legends” –

Winter is that discouraging time of the year when the house uses more fuel than the car.
– Doug Larson –

Winter brings with it an array of recreational opportunities, such as cross country skiing, skating, or, my favourite, video rental.
– Mike O’Brien (Calling the Prairies Home) –

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
– Author Unknown –

Who, in the rainbow, can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity.
– Herman Melville –

Flower, Plant and Gardening Quotations

The Quippery

A garden is never so good as it will be next year.
– Thomas Cooper –

A lawn is nature under totalitarian rule.
– Michael Pollan –

A riot of variety within the rather formal plan; by August, the perennial beds look like blondes at the bar, spilling over their dresses.
– Nicole Eaton; Charles Oberdorf –

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
– Anais Nin –

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
– Woody Allen –

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except learning how to grow in rows.
– Doug Larson –

Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.
– Henry Beard –

Confucius say, A man should not create a garden larger than his wife can maintain.
– Author Unknown –

Confucius say: If you want to be happy for an hour, get drunk. If you want to be happy for a year, get married. If you want to be happy for a lifetime, become a gardener.
– Author Unknown –

Consider the many special delights a lawn affords: soft mattress for a creeping baby; worm hatchery for a robin; croquet or badminton court; baseball diamond; restful green perspectives leading the eye to a background of flower beds, shrubs, or hedge; green shadows – “This lawn, a carpet all alive/With shadows flung from leaves’ – as changing and as spellbinding as the waves of the sea, whether flecked with sunlight under trees of light foliage, like elm and locust, or deep, dark, solid shade, moving slowly as the tide, under maple and oak. This carpet!
– Katharine S. White, Onward and Upward in the Garden, 1979 –

Daffy-down-dilly is come to town,
In her yellow petticoat and green gown.
– Edith Holden –

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter.
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril –

Don’t be envious if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It’s also harder to cut.
– Bits & Pieces, Feb 1994 –

Essential advice for the gardener: grow peas of mind, lettuce be thankful, squash selfishness, turnip to help thy neighbor, and always make thyme for loved ones.
– Author Unknown –

Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don’t count on harvesting Golden Delicious.
– Bill Meyer –

Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from the corn field.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower –

Gardeners learn by trowel and error.
– Author Unknown –

Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it.
– Author Unknown –

Gardens are not made
By singing, “Oh how beautiful!”
and sitting in the shade.
– Rudyard Kipling –

Gardens are a form of autobiography.
– Sydney Eddison –

Has any gardening couple ever owned enough wheelbarrows? I’d love to know. And if they have, what is the number?
– Mirabel Osler –

I appreciate the misunderstanding I have had with Nature over my perennial border. I think it is a flower garden; she thinks it is a meadow lacking grass, and tries to correct the error.
– Sara Stein, My Weeds –

I came from the earth, I’ll return to the earth and in between I’ll garden.
– Author Unknown –

If summer weekends are for rest and relaxation, how come they invented all that lawn-care equipment?
– Author Unknown –

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
– Doug Larson –

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.
– Alice Walker –

If you look closely at a tree you’ll notice it’s knots and dead branches, just like our bodies. What we learn is that beauty and imperfection go together wonderfully.
– Matthew Fox –

If you plant a tree, don’t keep pulling it up by the roots to see how it’s growing.
– Author Unknown –

If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arranging.
– Alan Bennett –

I like the me who talks to trees to let them know how well they are doing and how good they are looking. I like the me who wakes up in the morning feeling joyful that there is so much to do instead of burdened because there is so much to do.
– John Robert McFarland –

In old age, and having been sprained by the weight of snow over the decades, the hedges now wobble along, imperfect, but full of vegetable dignity…
– Description of Walmer Castle Hedges, Heritage Magazine Issue 48 –

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
– Eleanor Roosevelt –

I suppose that for most people one of the darker joys of gardening is that once you’ve got started it’s not at all hard to find someone who knows a little bit less than you.
– Allen Lacy –

I should like to enjoy this summer flower by flower,
as if it were to be the last one for me.
– Andre Gide –

I wander’d lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host of golden daffodils.
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
– William Wordsworth –

I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow.
– Abraham Lincoln –

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.
– Hal Borland –

Most people don’t see the sun, soil, bugs, seeds, plants, moon, water, clouds, and wind the way gardeners do.
– Jamie Jobb –

Old gardeners never die, they just go to seed.
– Author Unknown –

Our England is a garden, and such gardens are not made
By singing: “Oh, how beautiful!” and sitting in the shade,
While better men than we go out and start their working lives
At grubbing weeds from gravel paths with broken dinner-knives.
– Rudyard Kipling –

People are like your little plants, they’re always partial to the soil they were first grown in.
– Greg MacPherson –

Roses are red,
Violets are blue;
But they don’t get around
Like the dandelions do.
– Slim Acres –

Show me your garden and I shall tell you what you are.
– Alfred Austin –

so much depends upon
a red wheel barrow
glazed with rain water
beside the white chickens.
– William Carlos Williams –

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
– Bill Vaughn –

Sunflower, good mornin’, you sure do make it like a sunny day.
– Niel Diamond –

The ability of dandelions to tell the time is somewhat exaggerated, owing to the fact that there is always one seed that refuses to be blown off; the time usually turns out to be 37 o’clock.
– Miles Kington –

The guy who wrote “A job well done never needs doing again” has never weeded a garden.
– Author Unknown –

The lemon tree in the yard continues to blossom and bear fruit. I wonder if it’s a perennial, or if like me, it’s simply unable to differentiate between seasons.
– Robert Majamaa –

Then the zucchini started to arrive; first those lovely little delicacies, then the hefty meal-in-a-zucchini – the ones that can be stacked like cordwood or shipped off to the Guiness Book of World Records. At this point the neighbors finally realized that things were getting out of control. They had planted a 25 foot row.
– Harrowsmith #14, 1989 –

The pine stays green in winter… wisdom in hardship.
– Norman Douglas –

There are not too many fables about man’s misuse of sunflower seeds.
― Richard Brautigan, The Tokyo-Montana Express –

There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm. One is the danger of supposing that breakfast comes from the grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace.
– Aldo Leopold –

Was it a year of lives ago
We took the grasses in our hands
And caught the summer flying low
Over the waving meadow lands,
And held it there between our hands?
– Bliss Carman –

Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them.
– A. A. Milne –

While we’re looking into the causes of prejudice, let’s find out what bulldozers have against trees.
– Lane Olinghouse –

With fronds like you, who needs anemones.
– Author Unknown –

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Oh no, it’s always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
– Dorothy Parker –