Television Quotations

The Quippery

Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now, to quote myself at my most pretentious, is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste.
– Tom Lehrer –

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
– Dave Barry –

Cable TV is now evenly divided between shows about preparing food and shows about losing weight.
– Andy Borowitz –

How can you put on a meaningful drama or documentary that is adult, incisive, probing, when every fifteen minutes the proceedings are interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper?
– Rod Serling, speech at Ithaca College (New York), quoted in Reader’s Digest, vol.121, 1982 –

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go into the library and read a good book.
– Groucho Marx –

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
– Erma Bombeck –

If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
– Joey Adams –

If television’s a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won’t shut up.
– Dorothy Gambrell, Cat and Girl Volume I –

If you have to get your news from TV, get it from the Comedy Channel. It’s just as accurate, with the added benefit of making you forget your Prozac for a few minutes.
– Greg Tamblyn –

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you’d find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
– Dave Barry –

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked “brightness” but it don’t work, does it?
– Leo Anthony Gallagher –

Remote controls are quite handy. They let you see that there’s nothing worth watching on TV a lot faster.
– Melanie White –

Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
– Alfred Hitchcock –

So long as there’s a jingle in your head, television isn’t free.
– Jason Love –

Television has changed a child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.
– Author Unknown –

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
– Fred Allen (1894 – 1956) –

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.
– David Frost –

Television is like the American toaster, you push the button and the same thing pops up every time.
– Alfred Hitchcock –

Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
– Bill Gates –

The publishers and others should quit worrying about losing customers to TV. The guy who can sit through a trio of deodorant commercials to look at Flashgun Casey or swallow a flock of beer and loan-shark spiels in order to watch a couple of fourth-rate club fighters rub noses on the ropes is not losing any time from book reading.
– Raymond Chandler, 1946 –

There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, seems to offer more entertainment possibilities than the TV set.
– Harriet van Horne –

We think basically you watch television to turn your brain off, and you work on your computer when you want to turn your brain on.
– Steve Jobs –

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
– Milton Berle –

Internet and Computer Quotations

Blogging and Word Processing

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
– Author Unknown –

Blogs seem to have two magnetic poles, one attracting friends, the other repulsing relatives.
– Robert Brault –

Eye halve a spelling checker,
It came with my Pea Sea,
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye dew knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh
My checker tolled me sew…
– Author Unknown, An Oed Two The Spelling Checker –

I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if any actual readers. The writers are in it for other reasons. Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. All you get is the pleasure of a completed task.
– Scott Adams –

Please don’t use Comic Sans – we are a Fortune 500 Company, not a Lemonade Stand.
– Note on an Office door –

The thing about quotes on the internet is you cannot confirm their validity.
– Abraham Lincoln –

Computers and Programs

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
– Mitch Ratcliffe –

A computer will do what you tell it to do, but that may be much different from what you had in mind.
– Joseph Weizenbaum –

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
– Author Unknown –

– Author Unknown –

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
-Author Unknown –

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
– Joseph Campbell –

Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There’s more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it’s awfully close to human.
– P. J. O’Rourke –

Dear Adobe: my ‘Holy Shit, Leave me Alone’ is ready to install.
– SnarkEcards –

Don’t get annoyed by parents asking you ‘stupid’ tech advice you think they should know. These are the people who taught you how to use a toilet. Just help them.
– Author Unknown –

Had there been a computer in 1872, it would probably have predicted that by now there would be so many horse-drawn vehicles it would be almost impossible to clear up all the manure.
– Professor K. William Kapp –

Hi, I’m a Mac and I’m a PC and since all you do is look at LOLCATS and Facebook, we’re functionally identical.
– Author Unknown –

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
– Doug Larson –

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.
– @AaronFullerton –

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashes… oh, wait a minute, he already does.
– Author Unknown –

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That’ll do them in.
– Author Unknown –

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.
– Scott Adams –

If you’re looking for a really challenging pastime, you could tackle one of the classics, like competing in a triathlon, reading James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake, or learning quantum mechanics. Or, if those don’t seem tricky enough, try your hand at picking the right paper for your printer.
– Dave Johnson –

It isn’t easy being the parent of a six year old today. However, it’s a small price to pay to have someone around the house who understands computers.
– S.D. Sisseton –

It’s hardware that makes a machine fast. It’s software that makes a fast machine slow.
– Craig Bruce –

Life was so much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
– Author Unknown –

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
– Andy Rooney –

Microsoft, where quality is job 1.1.
– Author Unknown –

My computer could be more encouraging. You know, instead of “invalid password”, why not something like, “Ooooh, you’re so close!”?
– Lisa Porter –

My mom actually believes I’m dating a girl named Siri.
– Kelkulus @Kelkulus –

My PC wasn’t Plug-n-Play.
It was Plug-n-Get Mad.
– Author Unknown –

Now-a-days 12 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, and a Facebook profile. When I was 12, I felt cool with my New Gel Pen.
– Author Unknown –

Our society will never go entirely paperless. There’s always the bathroom.
– Author Unknown –

Perfect documents will develop errors on their way to the printer.
– Russel and Crawford, Murphy’s Laws of Windows –

There is no such thing as a perfect computer, because there is no such thing as a perfect user…
– Author Unknown –

TWAIN – Tool Without An Interesting Name
– Author Unknown –

Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
– Author Unknown –

When you introduce a new technology, you change your culture. When you bought the computer or video or microwave, did you think about how it would change the culture of your family?
– David Wilcox –

Who is General Protection Fault and why is he reading my disk?
– Author Unknown –

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
– Margaret Segall, 1998 –

You know computers are getting too sophisticated when the message says, “Go home, I can finish this without you.”
– Author Unknown –


Are you sure about that he called off the wedding, Jolene? Sometimes Zeb misspells stuff in e-mails, and it comes across badly.
– Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don’t Date Dead Men –

Email… encourages people who have nothing to say, to say it to everyone.
– Elaine St. James –

“Email is the scourge of our age,” said Silvia. “Email and cancer.”
– Olivia Sudjic, Sympathy –

For email, the old postcard rule applies. Nobody else is supposed to read your postcards, but you’d be a fool if you wrote anything private on one.
– Judith Martin –

It’s quicker, easier, and involves less licking.
– Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt –

Ropes… Check.
Crampons… Check.
Harness… Ice axe… Check. Check.
Okay Eugene. Let’s tackle that inbox. The south face today?
Sounds good. I got your back.
The “We’ve got way too much data to deal with” era is over.
– Microsoft Corporation, 2005 –


A 140 space buffer
I fear isn’t even enough for
a couple of lines
of the jingle-ing kind
and a lim’rick’ll never be stuffed there.
– David J. Beard (1947–2016), tweet, 2008 February 8th –

Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.
– Mitch Kapor –

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
– Andy Borowitz –

It’s called ‘The Web’ because once you’re in it, you are stuck.
– Terry Hall –

I could walk over to Q-Tel and pick up the bits faster!
– The Car Guy, comment on Internet Email downloads in Qatar –

If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a “fix” of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
– Rob Stampfli –

If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, the internet would be a much more peaceful place.
– SnarkECards –

I’ve invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends with the entire world and defriend people one by one.
– Andy Borowitz –

Just as the strength of the Internet is chaos, so the strength of our liberty depends upon the chaos and cacophony of the unfettered speech the First Amendment protects.
– Stewart Dalzell –

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.
– @SCbchbum –

No, we do not have Wi-Fi. Talk to each other!
– Sign at a Cafe –

On Twitter we get excited if someone follows us. In real life we get really scared and run away.
– Author Unknown –

The cat sitting at the keyboard of the computer explains to the cat watching: “So far I’ve discovered I was in a litter of eight and my mother’s name was Fluffy!”
– Author Unknown –

The greatest thing about the internet is that you can quote something and just totally make up the source.
– Benjamin Franklin –

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
– Dave Barry –

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
– Robert Wilensky, 1996 –

What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a “modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
– Dave Barry –

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.
– Dave Barry –

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our config.sys settings.
– Dave Barry –

You can’t take something off the Internet — it’s like taking pee out of a pool.
– Author Unknown, 1995 –


I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.
– –

I’d like to be a kid again but only because naps were insisted, twirling in circles was acceptable, and the only password I had to remember was open sesame.
– Adar Burks –

My little sisters password for the Disney website is ‘MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto’ I asked her why…she said ‘They told me to use 4 characters.’
– Unknown –

Please stop asking me to change my password. I’m getting tired of renaming my dog all the time.
– Unknown –

Rural America: Where nobody locks their front door but everybody makes sure their wireless network is password protected, apparently.
– Author Unknown –

When 32 million passwords were exposed in a breach last year, almost 1% of victims were using “123456.” The next most popular password was “12345.” Other common choices are “111111,” “princess,” “qwerty,” and “abc123.”
– McAfee – 125 Tips to Better Passwords-


You have just received the “Novice Hacker Virus”. As we ain’t got no programming experience, this virus works on the honour system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation.
– Author Unknown –

Facebook Is Not Your Friend Quotations

9-facebook The Quippery

And then alcohol said ‘Put that on Facebook, it’s hilarious.” But alcohol was wrong. So very wrong.
– Author Unknown –

All I know is that I carried you for nine months. I fed you, I clothed you, I paid for your college education. Friending me on Facebook seems like a small thing to ask in return.
– Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home –

Dear Facebook: Adding an ‘Unfriend until Election Day” option would save me a lot of time.
– someecards –

Facebook is kind of like prison. You spend all day staring at walls and getting poked by people you don’t know.
– Authors Unknown –

Facebook is like a fridge. Even though you know nothing new is going on, you still go and aimlessly check every 10 minutes.
– Author Unknown –

Facebook is not your friend, it is a surveillance engine.
– Richard Stallman –

Facebook is the perfect platform for constructive political discourse… said no one, ever.
– Megan Bailey –

Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can update your relationship status. After 3, it should default to ‘Unstable’.
– Author Unknown –

If anything, social media has driven us further apart. On top of the filter bubbles that push us toward more extreme and entrenched beliefs, social media has become an environment fueled by outrage.
Outrage is viral, outrage is easy, and with anonymity — or at least distance — screaming your outrage on social media or even launching personal attacks carries no consequences.
As outrage has come to be the dominant culture of social media, what started as a way to connect people has largely become a way to attack people or simply express anger.
– Francisco Dao – Fueled by Outrage –

If you can’t stop thinking about someone’s update, that’s called “status cling.
– Jessica Park, Flat-Out Love

If you get a friend request from someone named Jeremiah, it’s okay to accept it. He’s a bullfrog. He’s a good friend of mine. You won’t understand a single word he says, but he has some mighty fine wine…
– Internet –

It’s a highly deceptive world, one that constantly asks you to comment but doesn’t really care what you have to say.
– David Levithan, Two Boys Kissing –

It’s going to be interesting to watch presidential elections in around 2040, when voters can dig up candidates’ teenage angst pics and posts from old social media and discussion forum archives.
– Mikko Hypponen –


Leaving Facebook is the adult version of running away from home. You are only doing it for attention, and everyone knows you’ll be back.
– Author Unknown –

Never before has a generation so diligently recorded themselves accomplishing so little.
– Author Unknown –

One day Youtube, Twitter and Facebook will join together and be called… Youtwitface.
– Author Unknown –

One of the reasons I use Facebook is to laugh, have fun and converse with my friends and family. I don’t use it to get worked up or stressed out over something I see that I disagree with. There’s enough political coverage in the mainstream media. More than enough.
– Scott Dickson –

Political commentary and social cause posts on Facebook – makes me long for the good old days of Farmville requests and pictures of cats.
– Author Unknown –

Recently thought of deleting my Facebook account and start using Twitter, but realized it’s not easy. Facebook has become like the boyfriend I no longer like but scared to dump because I’ve invested so much time in the relationship.
– Manasa Rao Saarloos, author –

Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the hell are you?
– Author Unknown –

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.
– Author Unknown –

That one little phrase, Your real friends—so quaint, so charmingly mothering—perfectly encapsulates the anxieties that social media have produced: the fears that Facebook is interfering with our real friendships, distancing us from each other, making us lonelier; and that social networking might be spreading the very isolation it seemed designed to conquer.
– The Atlantic – Is Facebook Making Us Lonely? –

There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson –

We post content that isn’t ours, for likes that aren’t real, to impress people we don’t know.
– Author Unknown –

You may have friends on Facebook, but Facebook is not your friend. It wants your money. It wants your information. It wants your time.
– Tom Searcy, CBS Moneywatch –