Ambushed by the Best Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are sentences that ambush you. They have an unexpected shift in meaning in the latter part of a sentence or phrase – that you didn’t expect from the first part of the sentence. Sometimes they also play on the double meaning of a particular word.

Here are some examples that I found on sites about paraprosdokians, or that I’ve chosen because they seem to fit the definition.

A fool and his money are soon elected.
– Will Rogers –

A good cook needs storage, a bad cook needs a dog.
– IKEA sign in a store –

And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system.
– Robert Brault –

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch.
– Orson Welles –

By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity.
Another man’s, I mean.
– Mark Twain –

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
– Robert C. Gallagher –

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
– Lee Trevino, golfer –

Don’t forget to turn your clock back. I’m going to turn mine back to when I was 20.
– Crabby Road – Maxine –

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
– Author Unknown –

End world hunger. Grow Zucchini.
– Author Unknown –

Every woman’s dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed… and clean the whole house while she sleeps.
– memions.com –

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.
– Mark Twain –

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
– Bob Wells –

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
– Author Unknown –

If I could just say a few words … I’d be a better public speaker.
— Homer Simpson –

If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.
– Stephen Colbert –

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
– George Carlin –

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin –

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
– Henry J. Tillman –

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.
– Mitch Hedberg –

I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me. I want to be stuffed with crabmeat.
– Woody Allen –

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.
– Author Unknown

I may be barking up the wrong tree, but that is my natural voice.
– Author Unknown –

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
– Joe E. Lewis, golfer –

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
– Darrin Weinberg –

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– Author Unknown –

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
– Author Unknown –

It’s so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals. They have pride of lions, school of fish, rack of lamb. . .
– Ellen DeGeneres –

I’ve decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
– Author Unknown –

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
– Dave Barry –

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
– Groucho Marx –

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do.
– Lee Entrekin –

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over –

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
– Author Unknown –

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.
– Joe E. Lewis –

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
– Author Unknown –

Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I just let him sleep.
– Karen Scalf Linamen, book title –

The only people I am aware of who don’t have troubles are gathered in peaceful, little neighborhoods. There is never a care, never a moment of stress and never an obstacle to ruin a day. All is calm. All is serene. Most towns have at least one such worry-free zone. We call them cemeteries.
– Steve Goodier –

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
– Author Unknown –

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
― Anthony G. Oettinger –

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
– Phyllis Diller –

There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.
– Shmuel Breban –

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
– Jason Love –

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
– Author Unknown –

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
– Author Unknown –

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
– Author Unknown –

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
– Henny Youngman –

All the Best of The Universal Laws

ToonadayHow many of these Universal Laws do you have first hand experience with?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
– Finster’s Law –

A good education is the next-best thing to a pushy mother.
– Charles M. Schulz

Always borrow from a pessimist – he doesn’t expect to get it back.
– Simpson’s Rule Of Pecuniary Advancement –

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
– Wethern’s Law –

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
– Segal’s Law –

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
– Grossman’s Law –

Do not place your coffee next to the cup you clean your brushes in.
– Painter’s 2nd Law of Watercolors –

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.
– Holbrook’s Other Law (Russel & Crawford) –

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
– H.L. Mencken –

Friendly fire isn’t.
– Murphy’s Second Military Law –

He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.
– Chinese Proverb –

Hot glass looks the same as cold glass.
– Dominic Cirino’s Law of Burnt Fingers –

If you need four screws for the job, the first three are easy to find.
– The N-1 Law –

If at first you don’t succeed, read the manual.
– Montgomery’s Maxim –

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
– Charles Kettering –

In approaching a double door, you will always go to the one door that is locked, pull when you should have pushed, and push when the sign says pull.
– Ehre’s Double-Door Law –

In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.
– Imbesi’s Law –
…but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
– Freeman’s Extension –

Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
– Second Law of Blissful Ignorance or Hoare’s Law of Large Problems –

It works better if you plug it in.
– Sattinger’s Law –

In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
– Conway’s Law –

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
– Stewart’s Law of Retroaction –

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
– Hanlon’s Razor –

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
– Joe’s Law –

Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.
– Zymurgy’s First Law of Systems Dynamics –

Shredded cabbage goes great with shredded carrots and mayonnaise.
– Cole’s Law –

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
– Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity –

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
– Law of the Search –

The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.
– Korman’s Law –

The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that’s missing.
– Lyall’s Fundamental Observation –

The one that snores always falls asleep first.
– Bedfellow’s Law –

The only things that start on time are those that you’re late for.
– Cayo’s Law –

The other line moves faster.
– Etorre’s Observation –

That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
– Skinner’s Constant –

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed
– Law of Probable Dispersal –

When in doubt, mumble.
-Boren’s First Law –

When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
– Flugg’s Law –

Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
– The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences –

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can’t Fool Mom.
– Captain Penny’s Law –

Best Canadian Puns, Jokes and Observations

Sesquicentennial – in 2017 we celebrated 150 years since The Dominion of Canada, as per the British North America Act of 1867, unified the colonies of Ontario, Quebec, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. The rest of the provinces and territories joined over time. Canada as we know it now — ten provinces and three territories — is really just turning 18!

Here are some of the best Puns, Jokes and Observations about Canada, and being a Canadian:

Royal Canadian Mounted Police

Nothing says Canada like our Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The best place to see them in their Red Serge is at the head of the many parades that take place in small Canadian towns in the summer time!

Jacques Larouche, phoned the RCMP, ‘I’m calling about my neighbour, Étienne. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.’
The next day the RCMP arrived at Étienne’s house and searched the shed where the firewood is kept. They broke open every piece of firewood, but found no marijuana.
Later, Jacque phoned his friend: ‘Hey Étienne, did the RCMP come to your house?’
‘Yep.’
‘Did they chop all your firewood?’
‘Yep.’
-Author Unknown –

What do you call an RCMP officer when he is standing on the ground?
Royal Canadian Dismounted Police.

We have the mounties, they have the FBI. Can you imagine the FBI doing the Musical Ride?
– Dave Broadfoot, Canadian comedian –

Puns

Author Pierre’s shoulders were slumped; he carried all of Canada’s Berton.

Canada – too cold to leaf.

I don’t mean to sound superficial when I say the Canadian PM has nice hair. Isn’t it Trudeau?

My wife wanted me to take her to visit Northern Canada but I was having Nunavut! (Nunavut is the newest Territory of Canada.)
– Christopher Jobe –

The possible end to NAFTA gives me tariffying nightmares.

There was one absentee PM who may as well have been locked in a plastic bin.
The other MPs would sit around inquiring, “Tupper – where?”

This whole phasing out of pennies is nonsense.

Why don’t Canadian women wear sleeveless dresses?
They aren’t allowed to bare arms.

What did the beaver say to the maple tree?
“It’s been nice gnawing you.”

What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A hare net!

What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin’ spiffy?
Hare spray!

What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.

What do they decorate cakes with up north? Permafrosting.

What time was it when the monster ate the Canadian prime minister?
Eight P.M.

Which Russian eccentric loved Canadian cuisine?
Raspoutine.

All the rest of the Best Puns Ever are at my other ‘punny’ post – “The Best Puns Ever – Let’s Taco ’bout Them.

Observations

Ah, but don’t get me started on history, because then you shall know the meaning of eternity.
– John Diefenbaker – House of Commons, May 28, 1967 –

All sounds are sharper in winter; the air transmits better. At night I hear more distinctly the steady roar of the North Mountain. In summer it is a sort of complacent purr, as the breezes stroke down its sides; but in winter always the same low, sullen growl.
– John Burroughs, “The Snow-Walkers,” 1866 –

Americans should never underestimate the constant pressure on Canada which the mere presence of the United States has produced. We’re different people from you and we’re different people because of you. Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is effected by every twitch and grunt.
– Pierre Trudeau -Canadian Prime Minister-

By January it had always been winter.
– Annie Proulx, The Shipping News –

Canada has never been a melting-pot; more like a tossed salad.
– Arnold Edinborough –

Canada entered World War I as a colony and came out a nation…
– Bruce Hutchison, Canadian Journalist –

Canada is like your attic, you forget that it’s up there, but when you go, it’s like “Oh man, look at all this great stuff!”
– Author Unknown –

Canada is the most respected country with the richest middle class in the world, but you’re voting for change. Well, aren’t you a special kind of stupid.
– Comment on the election of the Liberal Party in the 2015 Federal Election –

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.
– Pierre E. Trudeau –

For most Americans, Canada is sort of like a case of latent arthritis. We really don’t think about it, unless it acts up.
– Pat Buchanan –

Canada is the essence of not being. Not English, not American, it is the mathematic of not being. And a subtle flavour – we’re more like celery as a flavour.
― Mike Myers

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations, it’s cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
– BC newspaper publisher Stuart Keate –

Canadians are fond of a good disaster, especially if it has ice, water, or snow in it. You thought the national flag was about a leaf, didn’t you? Look harder. It’s where someone got axed in the snow.
— Margaret Atwood, in Strange Things: The Malevolent North in Canadian Literature, 1995 –

Canadians often point out that while the American constitution promises “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” the constitution of Canada – written in the 1860s in England – sets a more modest goal: “Peace, order, and good government.
– Robert Fulford –

Canadians are an ambivalent lot: One minute they’re peacekeepers, next minute they punch the hell out of each other on the ice rink.
– Ken Wiwa –

English speaking Canadians know the French equivalents of “free”, “prize”, and “no sugar added”, thanks to our extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
– Author Unknown –

Every Canadian has a complicated relationship with the United States, whereas Americans think of Canada as the place where the weather comes from.
― Margaret Atwood –

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy, Canada is like an intelligent, 35 year old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson.
– Douglas Adams –

For American Visitors – Canada is like your attic, you forget that it’s up there, but when you go, it’s like “Oh man, look at all this great stuff!”
– Author Unknown –

For some reason a glaze passes over people’s faces when you say “Canada”. Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
– Sandra Gotlieb, Wife of Canadian ambassador to U.S. –

In a world darkened by ethnic conflicts that tear nations apart, Canada stands as a model of how people of different cultures can live and work together in peace, prosperity, and mutual respect.
– Bill Clinton –

In the 1970s, CBC Radio‘s This Country in the Morning held a competition whose goal was to compose the conclusion to the phrase: “As Canadian as…” The winning entry read: “… possible, under the circumstances.”
– Author Unknown –

It’s going to be a great country when they finish unpacking it.
– Andrew H. Malcolm –

Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.
— Canadian-Argentine writer Alberto Manguel –

To create a housing shortage in a huge country, heavily wooded, with a small population – ah, that’s the proof of Canadian political genius.
– Author Unknown –

I am told that the Inuit have some sixty words for different kinds of snow. That doesn’t surprise me; they see a lot of it. I live considerably south of the tree line, but even I have seventeen words for snow – none of them usable in public.
– Arthur Black –

I don’t trust any country that looks around a continent and says, ‘Hey, I’ll take the frozen part.’
– Jon Stewart –

If some countries have too much history, we have too much geography.
– W.L. Mackenzie King (1874-1950) Canadian Prime Minister –

In Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.
– Irving Layton, Canadian poet –

So Americans are once again thinking about trading their baseball gloves for curling brooms. But there’s one problem: Canada has already built Donald Trump’s wall.
– Gersh Kuntzman, New York Daily News -on moving to Canada after the election –

The acquisition of Canada this year, as far as the neighborhood of Quebec, will be a mere matter of marching, and will give us experience for the attack of Halifax the next, and the final expulsion of England from the American continent.
– Thomas Jefferson, statement during an early stage of the War of 1812, in a letter to William Duane (4 August 1812) –

There are few, if any, Canadian men that have never spelled their name in a snow bank.
– Douglas Coupland –

This spring was quite cold in Ottawa, the nation’s capital. The leader of the Conservative Party said that it was so cold that he saw a Liberal with his hands in his own pockets.
– Author Unknown –

Whoever said, “Do the job right the first time and you’ll never have to do it again” never shoveled snow off a Canadian driveway.
– Author Unknown –

We don’t come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves.
– Prince Philip –

We sing about the North, but live as far south as possible.
– JB McGeachy –

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
– Steven Wright –

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
“Where were you on the night of September to March?”
– Author Unknown –

Jokes

A Canadian is a fellow wearing English tweeds, a Hong Kong shirt and Spanish shoes, who sips Brazilian coffee sweetened with Philippine sugar from a Bavarian cup while nibbling Swiss cheese, sitting at a Danish desk over a Persian rug, after coming home in a German car from an Italian movie… and then writes his Member of Parliament with a Japanese ballpoint pen on French paper, demanding that he do something about foreigners taking away our Canadian jobs.

A Canadian went into a Tom Horton’s and noticed there was a “Roll Up The Rim To Win” Contest. So, he rolled up the rim of his coffee and started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The girl at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
The person shouted, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” He handed the Cup to the girl who read:
“W I N A B A G E L”

A Canadian was walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend, Doug, stopped him and asked, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answered Bob.
“Oh!” exclaimed Doug, “Good trade.”

How many parliamentarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem; one Francophone to complain that they didn’t translate the solution into French; one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked; one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been under represented in the process; one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb; one to actually screw it in; one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it; one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink; and one to drop the puck.

My Canadian friend came home and found his house on fire; he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, ‘Hurry over here… My house is on fire.’
‘OK,’ replied the fireman, ‘how do we get there?’
What? Don’t you still have those big red trucks?’
– Author Unknown –

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!’
– Author Unknown –

The New Canadian Tax Form [New Simple Format]
1. How much money did you make? $___,_____._____
2. Send it to us.

Q: What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?
A: Tim Hortons Hears a Who.
– Author Unknown –

Only in Canada

… does the local paper cover national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey… and their municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

… do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.

… do you design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

… do the mosquitoes have landing lights.

… do we use the trunk of the car as a deep freeze for part of the year.

… do you perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada”.

… do you have more ‘Canadian Tire’ money than real money in your wallet.

… do we name our coins a ‘loonie’ and a ‘toonie’.

… do you pay significantly more money for domestic flights than international ones.

What do you think of when you hear the word ‘Canada’!

More Puns – What These Words Can Also Mean!

thinking hatCan you look deep inside a word and find another meaning?

ABASEMENT: Where the furnace is located.

ABDICATE: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

AFTERMATH: Relaxation after algebra class.

ALARMS: What an octopus is.

ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds

AVOIDABLE: What the bullfighter tried to do.

BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.

BARIUM: What the undertaker usually does.

BAROQUE: When I spend more than I make.

BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

BUCCANEER: The price of a cob of corn.

BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

CANTALOUPE: When you can’t run off and get married.

CARNATION: Place where every citizen owns an automobile.

CATALOGS: Material used to build cow fences.

CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with a woman.

COFFEE: The person you coughed on.

COLANDER: Someone who arrives on the same plane as you did.

COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen countertops.

CYTOLOGY: The study of real estate.

DIPLOMA: Da’ man who fixes da’ pipes

DOCKYARD: A physician’s garden.

ECLIPSE: What a barber does.

FLATULENCE: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.

HAMLET: A small pig

HEROES: What a guy in a row boat does.

KHAKIS: What you need to start the car in Boston.

LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

MEDIEVAL: Not totally wicked.

MISTY: How golfers create divots.

MYTH: A female moth.

NEGLIGENT: describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

NITRATES: Opposite of day rates.

OCTOPUS: A cat with eight legs.

PARADOX: Two physicians.

PASTEURIZE: Too far to see.

PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

POLYGON: A dead parrot.

POSTOPERATIVE: The letter carrier.

PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

PROPAGANDA: A gentlemanly goose.

RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

SEAMSTRESS: What happens to your pants when you eat too much.

SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

STALEMATE: A leading cause of divorce.

SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

TOBOGGAN: Why we go to an auction.

URINE: If you haven’t gone out.

How many did you guess? Can you add any?

The Best Puns Ever – Let’s Taco ’bout Them

nacho friend anymore let's taco 'bout itA Pun is a type of word play where a phrase or sentence suggests two or more meanings. This could occur when one of the words has more than one meaning, or when one or more of the words sounds very similar to another word or words. Some people say puns are the lowest form of wit, but I really admire people who have the mental agility to think of them!
‘Chip ‘n Other Chip’ liked the ‘nacho’ and ‘taco’ pun the best! The following examples are my favourites.

A

A backward poet writes inverse.

A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew have been marooned.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

A dog breeder crossed a setter and a pointer at Christmas time and got a pointsetter.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Man jumps in a taxi and says “King Arthur’s Close”. The taxi driver says “Don’t worry, I’ll lose him at the lights.”

A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Ahmal. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responded, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

A nut named Hazel held up a bank by saying, ‘Give me all the cashew have.’

A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (George Carlin)

B

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway – Creates Jam

Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.

Broken pencils are pointless.

But if we give peas a chance, won’t the lima beans feel left out? (Pinky and the Brain Cartoon)

C to G

Cole’s Law: Shredded cabbage goes great with shredded carrots and mayonnaise.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but catscan.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Frog parking only. All others will be toad.

Frozen sculptures look quite good, icy pose.

H

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. (Fred Allen)

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half.

Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

I

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I can’t find my rutabaga. I hope it will turnip.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I like puns, but not everyone willower their standards and laugh at this type of humour.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

If we canteloup lettuce marry!

If you can think of a good fish pun, let minnow.

If you hear it from the horse’s mouth you’re listening to a neigh sayer.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

I should have been sad when the batteries in my flashlight went dead, but I was delighted.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Is Betty Crocker a flour child?

I swallowed some food colouring. My doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little on the inside.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.

I told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said “Me how?”

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

It’s a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.

I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.

I’ve been to the dentist many times so I know the drill.

I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb inside old tyres and roll down the hills… They were goodyears.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn’t have much of a plot.

L to N

Lettuce meat olive your eggspectations!
– Sign outside a Subway diner –

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

My uncle has 65 treason his back yard. (Bob Hope)

“My grandfather came from eastern Europe.” “Russian?” “No, he took his time.”

Need an Ark? I noah guy.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

News of a coming flood was leaked.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

P to S

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

Practice safe eating – use condiments.

Santa’s helpers are known as subordinate Clauses.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

T

The batteries were given out free of charge.

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.

The man put his name on the neck of his shirt so he would have collar ID.

The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

There was a person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

This girl said she knew my from Vegetarian Club, but I’ve never met herbivore.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (Groucho Marx)

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

Two hydrogen atoms met. One said, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other said ‘Are you sure?’ The first replied, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

U to Y

The QuipperyUnknown journalist: “How do you find America?” Ringo Starr: “Turn left at Greenland.”

Unlawful means against the law. Illegal is a sick bird. (Chicago attorney Harvey Gordon)

Used dromedaries are sold in a place called Camel Lot. (Richard Burton)

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“We’ll have to rehearse that,” said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

What do you call an elf who sings? A  wrapper!

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck-filled fatty puss.

What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.90, but deer nuts are under a buck.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

When chemists die, they barium.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Where did Noah keep the Bees? In the ark-hives.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot’s him.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

You know prices are rising when you buy a winter jacket and even down is up.

If you can add to this list, please do so in your comments below! Some of these puns were featured in a post called Puns for Educated Minds by the Curmudgeon at Large.